With news out of the Bahamas that a judge ordered a paternity test for Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, the whole saga should soon come to an end. If you’re like me, and you probably are, unless you’re a girl or a robot, then the suspense is killing you. (Robots are immune to suspense. Otherwise I could pass as a robot as long as I wasn’t around any magnets). I have a few unanswered questions, however, that I would like to address as this ordeal unfolds.
First and foremost, I want to know how the courts have missed the obvious solution for so long: Maury Povich. Nine out of 10 episodes of his show involve paternity testing, so why not let him handle the Anna Nicole Smith case?
I can picture him sitting there in his turtleneck saying, “Howard K. Stern, when it comes to the baby of dead Anna Nicole Smith, you are not the father.” Then Stern would jump up and do the robot and yell, “I told that skank I weren’t no daddy.”
The reason I like the Maury show so much is because it’s the only place I can see a crowd of people cheering a man doing the robot while the single mother next to him cries her eyes out because she can’t support her kid.
Another question that I have is why is Larry Birkhead’s face so flat? He reminds me of Elmer Fudd after Bugs Bunny hit him in the face with a frying pan. I’m about 90 percent sure that Birkhead wants to be the father so he has enough money to get himself three-dimensionalized. Obviously this is a stupid plan because everyone knows you can get the same effect by using a car jack on yourself or by sucking the air out of a balloon.
The last thing that confuses me about the whole affair is the number of people coming out of the woodwork to claim the baby. The list of potential fathers is surrounded by rumors and includes a guy who died in 1995 and a man who is currently incarcerated.
My favorite long shot by far is O.J. Simpson. Yes, that O.J. Simpson (for a long time I thought Howard K. Stern was radio Howard Stern so at first I thought this was just another guy with an unfortunate name. Not so.)
O.J. worked with Anna Nicole in the past and thinks he might be the father because he has “slow moving sperm” (I apologize to all the non-premeds for using such a complex medical term).
Apparently O.J. has never seen his daughter either, because she is decidedly white. He also had this to say about being the father: “I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money – or the baby herself.” Good thinking O.J. Fred Goldman is notorious for stealing the infant children of B-list celebrities. I know your odds are low O.J., but I’m definitely rooting for you.
