By Tony EvansThe Daily Northwestern

The following is an open letter to the girl who sits next to me in discussion section:

Let me begin by saying that I completely respect your decision not to have coffee with me. When I met you two weeks ago, I took the seat next to you with the understanding that our relationship would not last forever. In a way, I never really thought that things would work out between us. Coffee was something that I thought we both wanted, but I guess I was wrong.

I will not let this ending spoil the time we spent together. Over the past two weeks, a beautiful emotional connection has formed between our souls. It is hard for me to let go of this intimacy. Part of me doesn’t want to move on. It feels as though my life is now torn between opposing forces of darkness and even greater darkness.

I hope you know that I deeply treasured the Jim-and-Pam-from- “The-Office” type moments we shared over the past two weeks. There were many times in class when the sorority girl with a speech impediment would raise her hand and you would give me a knowing look that seemed to say, “I, too, find her so-called insights to be trite. I give you permission to ravish my body with your eyes and thoughts.”

There are so many questions that I long to ask of you: What are your dreams and hopes? What secrets lie in the untold depths of your heart? What is your last name? It starts with a K, doesn’t it? But I must carry on through this life, knowing that these questions will remain forever unanswered.

In time, I will learn to accept your decision to ignore our undeniable chemistry. I have often wondered what it would be like to make sexual love to you. In one particular scenario, we are sitting in class when you realize you have forgotten to bring your Norton Anthology. You ask me if you can read over my shoulder, and I say yes. Overwhelmed with gratitude, you proceed to take off your shirt and I gently caress your body while the rest of the class watches.

I have attached several diagrams of what that scenario might look like. However, it should be noted that my genitals are considerably larger in real life.

I hope that this incident will not affect our future relationship as classmates. It may be awkward to see each other in class every day, but I hope that we can try to maintain an air of professional courtesy, despite the fact that you ripped out my heart and devoured it whole for your own amusement.

On a somewhat related note, I am no longer interested in proof reading your essay on existentialism. Also, I would really appreciate it if you would return the pen you borrowed last week. Considering what that pen symbolizes (the insufficiency of language at expressing my soul’s loneliness), it no longer seems appropriate for you to keep it.

Weinberg senior Tony Evans can be reached at [email protected].