By David KalanThe Daily Northwestern
It occurred to me this week why I so badly wanted the Mets to make it to the World Series.
You have to go all the way back to the ancient year of 2000, or as I like to call it, “The Year of ‘Who Let The Dogs Out.'”
Every time I pop in my VHS of Mike Hampton’s pennant-clinching three-hit shutout in Game 5 of the NLCS I am haunted by the insolent screeching of the Baha Men as soon as Timo Perez squeezes the final out.
I yearn for something new to watch over and over again.
Something that I could watch 512 times and will never get old, however, was this week’s highly amusing brawl between Miami and Florida International.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy watching the unnecessary violence that could get 31 players suspended, nor did I think it was appropriate for Anthony Reddick to apparently mistake his helmet for some sort of bludgeoning hammer.
Also, the players celebrating afterward like a group of primal cromagnum men defending their village was a bit tacky.
No, what I loved was Hurricanes commentator Lamar Thomas displaying a true knack for showmanship.
“Now, that’s what I’m talking about,” Thomas said during the brawl. “You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don’t come into the O.B. playing that stuff. You’re across the ocean over there. You’re across the city. You can’t come over to our place talking noise like that. You’ll get your butt beat.”
Wow.
How can we not appreciate this kind of comic genius?
My only thought is that Thomas couldn’t possibly have been serious, because, honestly, who could really say that on live television? Rather, he must have been satirically mocking the Miami players.
This is the type of work on par with Marlowe, Shakespeare, Steve Lyons and Dennis Green.
Still, as amusing as his intro was, none of it compares to his crowning statement:
“I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing.”
I also appreciated when he encouraged the Miami players to continue the fight after the game outside the locker rooms, but this is where his true brilliance shines.
Sure, we can’t simply chalk it up to Thomas and his unique talents. He is very fortunate to have been given great material by the Hurricane players, who have now been involved in three team-wide brawls in their last seven games.
Three out of seven? That’s a good enough percentage to get you to Cooperstown! With a team like that we were guaranteed to get dozens of additional Thomas rants to lighten the heart and warm the soul.
That is, until Miami had to rain on our parade, introducing a new policy Wednesday that permanently ends the career of any ‘Cane that engages in onfield fighting.
At least we can take solace in the fact that their heart was in the right place, since they only suspended the 13 offending players, with the exception for Reddick, for this week’s barn burner against Duke. Taking them out for a real game would have just been silly.
FIU, meanwhile, suspended the offending 18 players indefinitely, and kicked two off of the team permanently. In addition, the players must take anger management counseling.
Some people just have no sense of humor.
Not surprisingly, Thomas was not ignored by his employers but instead was rewarded with some very handsome walking papers. But he shouldn’t worry. He’ll catch on soon with “Flavor of Love,”
