The great hissing sound you’re hearing out of Washington isn’t the gaseous extermination of lobbyists. It’s the death of neo-conservatism. Like the universe, universal ideologies die with a whimper, not a bang. And the slow death of the neocon world order is hissing everywhere, from the halls of the Pentagon to the sands of the Middle East. Our foreign policy is failing – rapidly and apocalyptically – in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran. Time to replace one neurotic Jew with another: Out with Paul Wolfowitz. In with George Costanza.
In the Seinfeld episode “The Opposite,” George realizes, after years of disastrous relationships, that he fails with women because he follows his gut – and his first instinct is always wrong. When he vows to act on the opposite of his first impulse, he achieves startling success with the opposite sex.
I propose the Neo-Costanza Doctrine: In relations with the Middle East, the United States should consistently follow the opposite of its political instinct. We can start with Iran, where Bush’s gut tells him to threaten military action, lower sanctions and threaten military action again.
No more trusting our geopolitical guts. Fact No. 1: Iran is going to develop nuclear technology, no matter how many resolution e-mails the United Nations drafts. Fact No. 2: Sanctions have dubious success in bringing down governments, but are excellent at depressing the societies we strive to save. Fact No. 3: Plugging into the international economy has proven the greatest catalyst for political liberalization and peace throughout the world. The Neo-Costanza solution? We tell Iran it can continue to develop nuclear technology peacefully if it promises to open up its economy. If we encourage Iran to develop a diverse economy that moves beyond oil exports, you can bet economic prosperity will empower Iran’s citizenry and fuel political liberalization as it has worldwide.
Bush’s policy pundits say the diplomatic route with Iran retraces Nazi appeasement of 1936. But Hitlers aren’t products of appeasement. They’re created by international abandonment, by leaving a militaristic culture with nothing to lose but its ragged lederhosen. The Neo-Costanza Doctrine would incorporate Iran into the international community and give it an indispensable stake in the global economy, which is our last, best hope for peace in the Middle East.
George’s gut is an idiot, and I’m not just talking about Costanza. The president is considering plans to level sanctions and strategically bomb Iran’s nuclear research facilities. This plan would compound our pile of catastrophes in the Middle East; we would leave the region’s central power incensed, impoverished and with nothing to lose. Did somebody say Nazi Germany? Come to think of it, Iraq is kind of shaped like the Rhineland.
Let’s pray the Neocon’s apocalyptic worldview ends soon, not with a bang but a whimper. Save the bombs for another day, George. Serenity now.
Derek Thompson is a Medill sophomore. He can be reached [email protected].
