If war on guns, the war on drugs and the war on terror weren’t enough, the federal government has declared a fatwa on fatties.
In another pointless, pricey campaign against the inevitable, senators like Iowa’s Tom Harkin are considering a bill to ban junk food from schools – the first frontier in the fight against fat.
But in the newest phase of the culture war, the potato chips are stacked particularly high against the Feds. Local governments kicked smokers out of public spaces by bemoaning the dangers of second-hand smoke. But unless you count the displeasure of viewing triple chins, there’s really no such thing as second-hand chubbiness.
The formal demands of the Crisco Crusaders are so preposterous they practically lampoon themselves. One demand requires teachers to annually assess their students’ weights, bringing a whole new meaning to the term “navel-gazing.”
This has got to be the best student confidence-booster I’ve ever heard: fat grades. What better way to care for the health of middle school girl than give her a B-minus on her thigh cellulite?
I wonder if senators like Mr. Harkin realize that agricultural subsidies to their states’ farmers and ranchers are burying the country in the very corn syrup and beef fat they’re trying to ban. Congress is literally stuffing our faces with one hand and grabbing our Doritos with the other.
It’s no secret why the nation has followed Marlon Brando into epic tubbiness. Only in America do we live on nacho platters and the 12 ounce sirloin at Chili’s, drown the fat in Diet Coke, gain 60 pounds in six months and blame the Diet Coke. Chips aren’t going to kill you. But eating like a sumo wrestler at Applebee’s four times a week might.
The solution isn’t banning soda and Cheetos. It’s salad and a jog. If the country’s moralizers want to save our six-packs, they should ban chips less and build more gyms. Imagine a faith-based exercise initiative at every YMCA. How about this for a bumper sticker movement: WWJB? What would Jesus bench?
Unlike the war on cigarettes, the war on food has no logical victory. There is nothing healthy about Fritos. But ditto for hard liquor, beer, M&M’s and Apple Jacks. The Feds can’t regulate Coke and McDonald’s like they’re Camels and Marlboros. Food in America isn’t just a necessity. It’s a luxury. The Burger is King, and we’ll always have it our way.
These days, asking how our federal government should use its domestic power for good is like asking whether you want your root canal performed with a mace or a spear. As the nation’s belly balloons, our belts may be busted, but it is the federal government’s sanity that has come undone.
It’s called legislative restraint. Now that could use some exercising.
Derek Thompson is a Medill sophomore. He can be reached [email protected].
