I have always lamented the lack of an American royal family. Damn you, Monaco! Poor substitutes have been suggested: Hollywood, the Kennedys. But, alas, royalty just ain’t royalty without a crown and its fixings.
But sometimes paper crowns will do. Unless you spent this week in the castle dungeon – a.k.a. a sub-level of Tech – you know that Burger King reopened after a four-month hiatus with a swanky palace to boot (flat-screen T.V.!). Just don’t expect your Tendercrisp enthusiasm to get you the royal treatment: BK boasted a 15 minute wait during the wee-morning hours of Thursday and Friday. I realize that especially large crowds can be attributed to this week’s holiday festivities (Earth Day, sheesh).
Why such loyalty to the crown? The “secret” Whopper sauce is ketchup and mayo. Onion ring inhalation ensures dragon breath. And large doses of chicken fries force you to prostrate at the foot of a porcelain throne.
Hear ye, loyal subjects: The king’s success lies not in the contents of a Kid’s Meal, but in BK’s intentionally campy vibe. Isn’t it ironic that a 24-hour burger joint on Clark Street boasts a motif fit for a king? It is this delightful dichotomy between the grandiose and mundane that ensures allegiance to this late-night dining establishment throughout the land.
Burger King’s current hit slogan is “Where you’re the boss.” College students sometimes reject the imparted wisdom of their parents. For this reason, Crispin Porter + Bogusky, the ad wizards at BK, channel “the cool uncle – the uncle that tells you the way things really are” in the franchise’s recent ad campaign.
To this end, CPB presented a series of ads featuring a spokesperson reminiscent of Greek mythology: a human body with a giant plastic prosthetic head.
This kitschy, avuncular figure does not represent a break in BK’s advertising tradition. In the 1970s and 1980s, the brand featured Burger King’s trusty sidekicks, The Wizard of Fries and Sir Shakes-A-Lot.
While the cheese factor has remained constant, we have grown up. The BK crown that we wore proudly and regally in our youth, we now wear as a badge of late-night binging honor.
White Castle, America’s oldest fast food chain, is also in on the joke. The famed slogan “What you crave” appeals directly to our demographic. What we often crave is pure kitsch. The traditional ivory turret architecture makes this restaurant about as square as its signature sliders. And White Castle reaps the benefits of its intentional cheesiness: The chain garnered a cinematic shout-out in 2004’s cult classic “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.”
You know where Harold and Kumar didn’t go? Dairy Queen. Despite the regal name, her Highness of Dairy has avoided all things kitschy. When was the last time you had a Blizzard?
