I’m about to describe a regular occurrence among college-aged males that you may or may not already be aware of.

Oftentimes when a group of four or five heterosexual males get together, one of them will bring up this conversation starter: “OK, let’s say that you had to do it with another dude, or else you’d get killed or something. Top five, go!”

So now that you know (if you didn’t before) that this is a frequent topic of conversation for straight males, here’s a list of common (and mostly uninspired) answers:

Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Eric Bana, a young Paul Newman (theoretical time travel in the name of theoretical gay relations is allowed and encouraged), Christian Bale, Paulie Shore, etc.

I hear my friends spouting out these tired names and I usually zone out until it’s my turn to answer. “Top five? Don’t need five. Just need one: Bob Costas.”

Bob Costas is quite simply the perfect specimen. Since I am anything but superficial, let’s talk first about his mind. His big, juicy, supple mind.

The guy’s obviously brilliant. He’s been on television since his debut on Inside the NFL in 1977, nearly 30 years ago. Just listening to him speak, you can tell the guy is an encyclopedia’s worth of knowledge. And he’s funny, too. (Golden in Baseketball.) Intelligence and a good sense of humor make for some fantastic pillow talk.

There’s no point in denying it: Costas is gorgeous. Look at a picture from him from 1992, then look at a picture of him from 2006: He does not age. He looks like what Mark Hamill could have looked like if Hamill didn’t turn out to look like a mutant.

I know what you’re thinking: he’s gotten work done. Think again. I’ve called his wife several times at work and she’s assured me repeatedly that he is au natural. She’s actually very nice. (At least she was the first four times I called her. After that things kind of went downhill.)

He still looks great and he’s turning 54 years old this March. My dad is also 54 and he’s gross. I’d have sex with Bob Costas way before I’d have sex with my dad.

But even more appealing than his smarts or his looks is what he would do with his mouth: talking. His hypnotic resonance paired with his knack for play-by-play commentary would make for the sexiest dirty talk ever.

“Costas degarbs Muschal, and it’s good. Oh, it’s very good!”

“Muschal goes for the reach-around and he connects!”

“With the clock winding down before Bob’s wife gets back home, Muschal and Costas will have to stage a late-game comeback. Wait a minute, I think they’ve done it, yes! Costas has finished! They made a cumback! Both men are exhausted, but the prone Muschal has a cumback.”

I bet Bob likes to cuddle.

So as you can see, if I had to have sex with another man (ewww!), I guess I would opt for Bob Costas.

Mathias J. Muschal is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].