I’m generally not an alarmist kind of guy, but it seems that something may be awry in Dailyland.

At the end of each quarter a column appears in The Daily calling for columnist submissions. By and large, all these columns want the same thing — Northwestern’s best and brightest.

I’m not so sure this is the best approach. The Daily has had mostly good columnists, a few great ones and some who were less than memorable. With only five columnists each quarter out of 7,500 students, there’s no reason why each columnist shouldn’t be a paradigm of wit and social commentary that we all want them to be. I’m beginning to wonder whether some of NU’s finest have become discouraged from even applying.

Of course, the Forum page wants those divinely ordained to be a columnist. But these students who get all fiery in the loins at the thought of a printed byline, 550 words a week and a picture to boot will undoubtedly apply.

For the upcoming Fall Quarter, the Forum page will take a Forgotten Man approach to its call for columnists. Not sure that you can write nine columns while juggling schoolwork and other extracurriculars? Well, in all likelihood, you probably can’t. Writing a weekly column is a whole lot more than pickup sticks and tiddlywinks. But it’s certainly worth drafting a column or two. It might be easier than you think.

That being said, there are certain guidelines that applicants should adhere to beyond the word-limit, deadline sort of stuff:

1. Any column beginning with “Why I hate/like … ” or an inclusion of the question in the title of said column results in an automatic disqualification. Nobody cares why you like/hate a certain celebrity, or why Raphael is your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. The world’s a big place and you’re a small, insignificant speck. Keep this in mind. Constantly ask yourself, “Would I want to read this if I weren’t writing it?” Often columnists are guilty of the kind of self-congratulatory egocentrism that gives The Daily a bad name.

2. Don’t use $5 words needlessly — particularly if you may be misusing them. This stinks more of intellectual insecurity than anything else. You should elucidate, not confuse. A column readers can’t make sense of might as well be a textbook.

3. Make a point. Write about something, construct a logical argument and stick with it. Anecdotes are nice, but a column shouldn’t be one long anecdote. The Forum page isn’t for storytelling.

4. Be original. The Daily has been in print since 1881. That’s 124 years and 372 quarters excluding summer. Assuming it has had five columnists each quarter — which it probably hasn’t — that makes for 1,860 columns. Say something that hasn’t been said before. I also have a soft spot in my heart for creative analogies; show me some.

5. Any column about thefacebook.com will also result in an automatic disqualification and an angry, condescending e-mail.

6. A more personal irritation — I’ll set your application aflame if I see “irregardless” in there somewhere. It’s not a word. It’s redundant.

Back to the niceties: I encourage everyone — engineers, journalists, historians, philosophers, film majors, screenwriters, scientists, soon-to-be-doctors, sorority girls, frat boys, thespians, athletes and anyone else — to apply. Send two 550-word columns and a 250-word bio to [email protected] by June 18. Interested cartoonists, send two cartoons and the bio.

Worse comes to worse and you don’t make the cut, you could always find a smaller paper, relish in its underdog status and take pithy potshots at the Forum page all day long if it makes you happy.

I hear The Chronicle might be hiring.

Fall Quarter Forum Editor Daniel Magliocco is a Weinberg junior. He can be reached at [email protected].