Associated Student Government elections are tomorrow, and with six presidential candidates on the ballot, voters face a tough choice.
I don’t know anything about the candidates or even what the ASG president is supposed to do. But what I do know is this: The Facebook is a window into the human soul and we should use it to elect our leaders.
Forget platforms, qualifications and campaigning. The question this year shouldn’t be, “Who will do the best job?” Instead, voters should be asking: “Who has the most friends? Who has the best profile picture?”
For the first time in the history of political journalism, the candidates will be judged solely on the basis of their Facebook profiles.
Ketica Guter, 137 friends: Ketica has the profile of a professional: brief and to the point. She is a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc., BlackStudents@NU and For Members Only. Her favorite music includes Gospel, R&B and Jazz. Basically, she’s the female Al Sharpton.�Ketica seems very concerned about the issues, but probably only the boring ones that I don’t care about.
Patrick Keenan-Devlin, 268 friends: Patrick is the kind of candidate you want to bring home to meet mom and dad. He listens to classical music, teaches Sunday school and quotes JFK without being ironic. ASG would eat him alive.
Rahul Kalita, 114 friends: Rahul is the common man’s candidate — an up-and-coming Al Bundy. His interests include football, the O.C. and your mom. His favorite music includes Yatta, the ‘N SYNC Christmas CD and your mom. Despite his sparkling sense of humor, Rahul seems desperate for attention from the opposite sex. Maybe running for president will finally get him some random play.
Vishal Patel, 83 friends: That’s not nearly enough friends to be president.
Brandon Conrad, 362 friends: What would an election be without one of the Good Old Boys? Brandon is a fraternity president and jock with enough connections to be an honorary member of the Bush family. He is a member of 21 Facebook groups, including the controversial reactionary organization: “Caps Is the Best Drinking Game Ever!”
Prajwal Ciryam, 232 friends: Prajwal is a frontrunner in the presidential race, largely due to his ability to look like a complete ASG tool. His profiles represents everything that student government stands for: minorities, cutthroat politicians and the music of Good Charlotte.
My pick to win:
H0t AZn HO BAg, 182 friends (write in): To quote her biography: “i’m hottt. my name is min-jin bin, or ai-sook yu or fuk-mai ho … who cares!?” H0t AZn displays more character and moxie than many of the actual candidates. Plus, if there’s one thing that voters love more than sex, it’s an offensive gimmick. It’s high time that ASG made the transition from political prostitution to literal prostitution.
Tony Evans is a Weinberg sophomore. He can be reached at [email protected].
