An eager beaver showed up at my apartment this week — “eager” because he wanted to know if I’d be moving out next year and “beaver” because his two front teeth looked like giant Chiclets. This was my apartment’s landlord, “Phil!” Phil! is an eager beaver. He’s also an asshole who thinks my name is Dan.

For some reason, January officially marks the beginning of apartment shopping season. It’s a special time of year when people you don’t know are invited by your landlord to tour your living space and silently judge your wall decor. If you too hate having your privacy violated or you just want to piss off Phil!, here’s a few tips:

Prepare for people sporadically dropping by for a tour of the pad by always being naked. When they ask if they’ve come at a bad time, respond, “Only if you’re not flexible.” Growl like a tiger.

Brag to prospective renters about the one and a half bathrooms. Then, attach a doorknob to your refrigerator and refer to it as the “powder room.”

Draw chalk outlines on your living room floor of a man, a goat and a ten-foot spear. Let them make their own conclusions. If you catch them staring for too long, wink and pull back a rug and reveal a dead man and goat.

Before Phil! hustles in the first group, remove the lock from the front door and replace it with a Post-it note that reads, “Please don’t rob me.”

Write yourself a really dirty love letter and then sign it with the name of your superintendent. Post said letter in public view. For additional amusement, post a second letter written to your mom.

Using a labelmaker, replace the names on every downstairs mailbox with “Mr. and Mrs. Nazi.”

Refer to your landlord as “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.” Then, accidentally call him by his name and have your roommate bludgeon you to death with an aluminum bat.

If you have some extra white paint lying around, pay a homeless man ten dollars to stand against one of your walls and have you paint over him. When people ask, simply avert your eyes and assure them that he’s included as a “utility.”

Since paint’s expensive, if you have a bit left at the bottom of the can, paint a cabinet shut. In this cabinet, place a year’s supply of Meow Mix and a cat. Hilarity ensues. Hilarity and a dead cat.

OK, so maybe I’m overreacting. Either way, don’t come by my apartment.

Communication junior and PLAY humor columnist Dave Holstein is the ultimate wanderer. He can be reached at [email protected].