The presidential election is nearing, the economy is tanking and the war that was “so over” in May continues to send body bags home from Iraq in droves.

All of which can only mean one thing: Our president, in an effort to salvage his prospects for a second term, is doing the only thing he knows how — he’s launching another war. But this one is of a slightly different variety.

Next week, President Bush will officially launch a war on gays and lesbians in America. Dubbed “Marriage Protection Week,” it will officially be dedicated to “preserving the sanctity of marriage and on building strong and healthy marriages in America,” according to a proclamation made Friday.

But in the proclamation he defines marriage as “a union between a man and a woman.” Although he claims in the same discourse that we must create a “welcoming society, where all people are treated with dignity and respect,” the week doesn’t uphold any of those virtues.

Because when Bush said people, what he really meant was straight people. And when he said he wanted to “protect” marriage, he didn’t mean from abuse or infidelity.

He meant from gay and lesbian Americans.

Aside from being inherently homophobic and oppressive, the proclamation doesn’t even express any goals.

History Lecturer Lane Fenrich wants to know what he’s supposed to do during a marriage protection week.