Thinking you’re Right when you’re wrong
The Firing Squad was not surprised THIS week when Rush Limbaugh stuck his foot in his really fat mouth. Because he probably thought it was food.
Shouldn’t ESPN have expected Limbaugh, who resigned after asserting that the media was hyping an athlete because they wanted a black quarterback to succeed, to continue to make a career out of being a bigoted asshole? Even more laughable is Limbaugh’s defense of his comments: “All this has become the tempest that it is because I must have been right about something. If I wasn’t right, there wouldn’t be this cacophony of outrage that has sprung up in the sports writer community.”
The Firing Squad wonders when pissing people off became a sign of being right. Oh, but The Firing Squad had almost forgot — Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot.
— Jared Goldberg-Leopold
‘Newsies’ shiver, welcome Important folk
Arriving at Norris innocently enough Thursday night, The Firing Squad encountered a plush red carpet, a greeting party and a massive tent. The party, believe it or not, was not in honor of The Firing Squad, but rather for some seemingly important people who call themselves the Board of Trustees.
Perhaps the most bizarre part of the festivities was the contingency of students wearing press costumes outside and harassing guests as they arrived. Nobody told The Firing Squad that the Norris Lawn is the new Studio 54.
But the question remains: If this shindig is to celebrate raising $1.55 jillion for Campaign Northwestern, couldn’t they have afforded to move it indoors?
It’s cold out.
— Graham Webster
Bookless, Clueless and Already Behind
The Firing Squad’s Academic Progress Report does not look good. At the end of week two, it is already behind in some of its classes, thanks to professors who assign homework due the first day of class. Do they think The Firing Squad actually checked Blackboard over summer vacation to get a head start? It barely checks Blackboard now for any reason other than to reprint all of the syllabi it inevitably loses.
Professors should appreciate that students have packed schedules, which include Last-Chance-Before-School-Starts parties and First-Weekend-After-Classes parties. And no real upperclassman even has books on the first day. They are waiting for the doe-eyed freshmen with Daddy’s credit card to clear out of Norris University Center, or for Half.com to deliver crappy used books.
Fear not: The Firing Squad figures it will catch up by about midterms, just in time for its Halfway-Through-The-Quarter parties.
— Matt Lopas
Heavenly Message, Hellish Subscription
The currently nonreligious Firing Squad was not aware until Wednesday evening that it subscribed to Liguorian magazine, a Missouri-based publication by and for Roman Catholics. After discovering the September and October issues in its mailbox, The Firing Squad took a look around and discovered that the magazines had been specifically sent to it — not just stuffed in all of the mailboxes at Foster-Walker Complex.
The Firing Squad wished it could simply call this the work of some obscure and dicey on-campus religious group, but instead it had to face the real possibility that stronger forces were at work. But after being stumped by about half the questions on the “Know Your Bible Quiz,” The Firing Squad gave up on that theory.
— Scott Gordon
