Down payment on a heart attack

Cheeseburgers and fries. Although they might not be the healthiest foods on the face of the planet, The Firing Squad does not believe they need to swim together in oil of any kind. And seriously, you pop those suckers down your gullet, you are not only ensuring that your butt won’t fit so well on that bar stool but also making a down payment on that triple-bypass surgery, too.

The Firing Squad thinks that, for Barry White, the message would have been death before he finished “The Message is Love” in ’79 if he had these “fingers” down this throat.

— Mike Saccone

If Looks could crash …

The Firing Squad KNOWS WHY CAESAR got stabbed — and it has nothing to do with its less-than-stellar performance during freshman registration this week. No, the problems go back a bit further. Like last week, when The Firing Squad was just trying to update its home address — its address — and it took way too long to find the right button on the left side.

The redesigned CAESAR is clearly more difficult to navigate and less aesthetically pleasing than the original — who requested this make-under and why? The Firing Squad will not draw connections between CAESAR’s heinous new look and the way it completely sucked this week, but freshmen, feel free.

— Jessica Mayle

Snuggly-wuggly whaaaa?

After clicking onto NUComment.com and coming across “The Good, The Bad(ass) and the Snuggly Wuggly: A Who’s Who Guide to Campus Bigwigs,” The Firing Squad has a couple of suggestions. Mitch Holzrichter, who also serves as The Daily’s ad manager, actually resembles Alan-Cubbage-meets-James-Belushi-circa-“Animal House.” And The Firing Squad wonders if William Banis grew his new beard solely to defy the John Ashcroft-Dr. Phil label.

As for The Firing Squad itself: Tony Soprano? Apparently the article’s writer, Kyle Western, didn’t interview anyone about The Firing Squad’s sex life — or lack thereof.

— Adam Williams

Deadlier than a fake-Id Bust

The Firing Squad is slightly concerned freshmen might fall into the hole on Sherman Avenue and Davis Street — especially when they walk back from the Keg drunk. Instead of erecting ugly-ass buildings like Northwestern does, Evanston evidently enjoys creating instant graves for students. The Firing Squad knows the city doesn’t want students to vote (in the First Ward), but do they want it that bad?

And speaking of the hole, The Firing Squad continues to wonder if Osco ever will move so Evanston can have another athletic club and more condominiums. That “Coming Soon” sign has been hanging for four years and counting. Come on, The Firing Squad wants more space for rug stores.

— Matt Lopas

Less Talk, more walk

The Firing Squad thought moving off campus was going to be a great way to escape those annoying dormmates who chattered all night and kept it awake. How is it, then, that those people seem to have followed The Firing Squad to its apartment? The perpetrators — mostly freshmen — plant themselves on the lawn near The Firing Squad’s first-floor bedroom window and scream drunkenly into their cell phones about the “awesome” party they were at and how their friends “should have been there, man!”

The Firing Squad thinks it’s lovely that these people have social lives and want everyone within a three-block radius to know about it. But for the sake of The Firing Squad’s patience and the health of its lawn, go gossip somewhere else.

— Jennifer Leopoldt