The irony of the song “Let’s Talk About Sex” is that Salt ‘N’ Pepa never actually talk about sex.

I’ve heard the same thing said about this column.

This is a very valuable critique, and to all of you who have mentioned this to me, I have two responses: tough and shit.

But to assuage you people, here are some last climactic thoughts on the subject:

1. Threesomes. People must really be lonely these days, as this subject frequents many a conversation.

The problem, though, at least with females, is that when there’s two guys involved in the act it feels like rape, but when there are two girls involved, you get the whole competitive female aspect.

And as one of my friends commented, “Once is experimentation, twice is nice, but three times and you begin to wonder about the person.”

Then there’s the whole issue of what activities constitute a threesome.

If there’s just kissing and touching, is that a threesome? Does there need to be sex?

And if it’s true that two’s company, does three make a crowd — or does it make a party?

2. First time experiences. For first-timers, there are oftentimes more fumbles in the boudoir than there are in a Northwestern football game. This is normal.

What you should know: For first-timers, sex is a lot like service in a fast food restaurant — in and out in five minutes flat.

But just like in the sport of running, the more times you practice, the longer you can go.

3. Things that are supposed to be sexy — but aren’t.

Sex in aquatic locations (e.g. showers, baths, pools). Fact: Water tends to strip you of natural lubrication, making this possibly the first time ever when being wet actually makes you dry.

Ripping off your clothes in a fit of passion. Great idea in theory, but, hello, we’re college kids on a budget. Chances are if you’re wearing that shirt on a date, it’s generally because you, um, like it and would ideally like to wear it again.

Edible body paint. Chocolate is great, painting is great, sex is great — but the three together are not great. They’re sticky.

4. Hooking up when you have a roommate. There are rules — unfortunately I don’t know what they are. They left that out of our freshman year handbooks. Note to editors: Think about including this one next year.

5. Hooking up with/asking out your ex’s best friend. Unlike other rules, this one will never change. Don’t do it.

6. Ratings. At NU, attractiveness is weighted on a sliding scale. Someone who is an NU “8,” for instance, might also rate as a “Cancun 5.” Note: These numbers can also change dramatically depending on a) a person’s horniness and b) their blood alcohol level

7. Marriage. Ok, does it freak anyone else out that the next “American Pie” movie is entitled “American Wedding?!” Where are all you engaged people coming from? Why are you all emerging now? And is this phenomenon contagious?

8. Out of Towners. This is not just an awful movie starring Goldie Hawn; it’s also a situation when friends from home come to visit and really get to know/explore the campus, via your best friends. See also prospitutes.

9. Endings. How do you know when to end a relationship? It’s kind of like deciding when to get out of a pool — you know that soon you are going to get cold and your hands are turning into prunes. But really the water is just so comfortable and it just takes too much damn effort to actually leave the thing.

Sometimes, though, you’ve just got to brave the cold and run for the deck.

It’s been fun, guys.