Senior advises NU: These speakers put ‘rad’ in graduation

Pat Dahl Guest Column

Last month it was announced that Wendy Chamberlin, former U.S. Ambassador to Pakistan, is set to deliver the commencement address at the June 20 ceremony. I’m positive Chamberlin is a very engaging woman, but I can’t hide the fact that I was a little disappointed to hear the news.

I’ve been looking forward to graduation for a number of reasons, and was hoping Northwestern would invite a speaker that would inspire awe among my friends back home. I understand why Chamberlin was chosen, but she doesn’t pack as much punch as some other speakers I had imagined listening to this June:

 Charlton Heston: What better way to promote peace and understanding than this gun-toting Wildcat who has slaughtered everything from talking apes to Egyptian foot soldiers in his illustrious film career? Also, he probably has the means to make possible some sort of 2,003 shotgun salute.

 Dustin Diamond: The generation that was raised watching “Saved By The Bell” is quickly moving through college, and Screech’s chances to speak to a graduating class that recognizes him are fading fast. Plus, who better to represent the very intelligent but socially awkward group that makes up the NU student body?

 Snoop Dogg: Snoop has achieved a lot in his career, and in his graduation speech he could discuss his most recent business venture — the abandonment of pot smoking for the soft-core exploitation porn. Maybe he is better suited for the Kellogg folks.

 Hugh Hefner: This Illinois native might bring a little midwestern flair to the ceremony, and by flair I mean his triplet girlfriends.

 Gallagher: The pure genius that is involved in making an empire out of smashing watermelons and other things with a novelty hammer is enough justification to bring this fine citizen to campus. An honorary doctorate of comedy degree should also be presented.

 Mother Teresa: Damn. She died.

 Osama bin Laden: Sure, the entire U.S. military has yet to uncover him, but that’s just because they haven’t offered him an all-expense paid trip to Evanston, the dining capital of the North Shore.

 Carson Daly: Certain to offer a very insightful and interesting talk, Daly could share the kernels of knowledge learned during his rise to the top of entertainment heap. This speech, of great interest to students interested in the entertainment industry, would focus on the all-important trade trick of tucking in your shirt in front and letting it flare in back.

 O.J. Simpson: I heard he’s killer.

 Tonya Harding: This former Olympic figure skater would remind every graduating student that nothing should stand in the way of their goals. She teaches us that with the proper means, any obstacle can be beaten. Literally.

 Emmanuel Lewis: He looks 8 and is almost 35. Average them out and he’s about our age, so he can probably relate to us. Also, the university can save some money by keeping him in someone’s closet instead of paying for a hotel room.

Perhaps these prestigious figures are in store for graduating classes of the future. But I know that as I settle into my seat on that fateful June day, I’ll secretly be hoping that Chamberlin is hiding her own novelty-sized hammer beneath her robe.

Pat Dahl is a Communication senior. He can be reached at [email protected]