Today’s the big day. All of NU’s basketball fans will be marching up to the Sports Pavilion and Aquatics Center at 6:30 p.m. tonight for the season kickoff. Not only will we see a three-point shooting contest and slam-dunk showcase, but we’ll also learn the new name for the student section at Welsh-Ryan Arena.
Over the past few weeks, www.NUsports.com has used online voting to whittle a list of eight possibilities down to two: NUisance and The Wild Side(s). Although neither name has the panache of other famous fan sections, such as Duke’s Cameron Crazies or the New York Knicks’ Spike Lee, both are better than “that place with the few scattered dudes in purple T-shirts.”
But not everyone is as excited to learn the name as I am. Some people think the choices are lame. They think it’s idiotic to give a moniker to a section that is regularly half-empty.
Not me. I love the idea. In fact, I think it should be extended to more things at Northwestern.
For instance, anybody who has walked out of Norris University Center’s 24-hour exit knows it should be called Nor-Ass. I don’t know where the fumes pumping from the exhaust panels are coming from, but every time I smell that aroma of urine-soaked cabbage I think twice about ordering chicken strips the next day at Willie’s Food Court.
And the back two rows of my freshman year Introduction to Philosophy class? They easily could have been nicknamed the Evanston Memorial Hospital’s Coma Ward. That might be a little bit too long to catch on, though. Maybe something shorter, like Nap Time, would do the trick.
Jones Residential College, with its tradition of building gigantic snow penises in the winter, should be dubbed the Phallus Palace.
As for the few die-hard Wildcats fans who have stayed true through the trials and tribulations of the past two years, they deserve a christening too. My suggestion: Hey, We’re Used to Losing, We’re Cubs Fans.
NU squash players should be Hank’s Heroes. Without squeezing in a few games at SPAC every once in a while, how else would University President Henry Bienen stay in shape to run our school?
What about Dance Marathon? The group recently switched its philanthropy because it was worried about offending people who didn’t want to raise money for a charity backed by Opus Dei, an ultra-conservative sect of the Roman Catholic Church. DM shouldn’t stop there. Who knows, some people might be offended by the Greek origins of the word “marathon.” After all, the Greeks did run roughshod over parts of Europe and Asia a few thousand years ago. Dance For a Really Long Time Amidst Smelly People Who Have To Pee might suit the organization a little better.
Fraternity row, once the hub of NU’s social life, should look to music for its moniker. With houses kicked off campus or dried up in each of the past five years, Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” would be appropriate.
Then there’s The Daily’s newsroom. Or, as I like to call it, The Best Place on Campus to Meet Freshmen Girls.
And the Associated Student Government … no, I won’t go there. Too easy.
