Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Well you’d better not try it in my town, buster – or anywhere else in America. Since President Bush declared a war on “evil-doing,” literal-minded citizens have made it their mission to do away with demons. Their message is clear (if not lucid): Satan can stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Perhaps this quest registers as no surprise. After all, we are heirs to the legacy of Salem, Mass., where 20 convicted witches were hanged or crushed to death. This past Halloween, the Massachusetts legislature cleared the names of five executed “witches.” And while many celebrate this official exoneration, maybe it’s telling that it took 309 years.
Perhaps as a nation we need an enemy, and excluding Pauly Shore, no one’s as universally detested as the devil.
Or perhaps Lucifer really is at large.
Just last week a female leader kicked Satan to the curb. Although this might seem like the handiwork of the Church Lady, Dana Carvey’s nasal “Saturday Night Live” character had nothing to do with it. Carolyn Risher, mayor of Inglis, a small fishing village off Florida’s west coast, penned the following proclamation on official town stationery:
“Satan, ruler of darkness, giver of evil, destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be, a part of this town of Inglis.”
This woman ought to work for Hallmark.
Inglis follows in the footsteps of Kingsville, Texas, a town hell-bent on booting Beelzebub. Five years ago, county commissioners unanimously designated “Heaven-o” as the official greeting. Why? “Hello” contains the word “Hell,” whereas Heaven-o is a “symbol of peace, friendship and welcome.”
Unfortunately, like Crystal Clear Diet Pepsi and “The Geena Davis Show,” Heaven-o never quite caught on. Instead, the phenomenon that’s spreading nationwide like a flu virus in Bobb-McCulloch is Potter backlash.
For two years in a row, the Harry Potter series has topped the American Library Association’s most challenged books list. But banning books is just the tip of the iceberg.
Last month in New Mexico, a fiery church group ignited “spiritual hindrances,” burning Potter books, the complete works of William Shakespeare, an ouiji board and other objectionable objects in a massive bonfire. Jack Brock, Christ Community Church’s founder and pastor, said: “Behind that innocent face is the power of Satanic darkness. Harry Potter is the devil, and he is destroying people.”
I’d love to ask Brock about his take on Elmo.
And two weeks ago, the police department of Penryn, Pa., unanimously decided to boycott the YMCA, questioning whether it was “serving the will of God” by exposing kids to Potter books. The police will not direct traffic for the YMCA’s 20th annual triathlon.
Similarly, the officers will not play with the other kids during recess or clean their rooms.
Just kidding.
Evanston had better examine its spiritual security: What used to be known as the town that banned bowling may soon be transformed into Satan’s stomping grounds. But seriously, is Evanston in need of an exorcism? Several signs indicate the answer is “yes.”
Exhibit A: Automated Ph. Only the devil knows why NU Information Technology programs “school address” as just the first two letters of city and state. In bold capitals, it appears that students inhabit EV IL.
Exhibit B: This year’s Dolphin Show. The protagonist transacts business with the Dark Lord and romps around with a hellcat. This isn’t “Bedazzled,” it’s “Damn Yankees.”
As a conscientious citizen, I phoned City Hall to warn them of our impending doom, but none of the civil servants would talk to me. I declined to leave a voicemail for the mayor, but now I realize that I have something to say:
Mayor Morton, if
you’re reading this, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.
