I’m leaving Northwestern. Not for good, but for at least a quarter. In my first column, I talked about taking a step back and not letting life be overwhelming. Right now, this second, I am overwhelmed.
This morning I took a personality test a friend recommended to me. Usually I don’t place much importance on things like that, but my results were right on the money.
I am personality type three: “the motivator.” The first paragraph of the description really upset me by saying, “Threes have put their energy primarily into learning how to come across to others so well that they can garner attention and adoration. Threes do not know who they are apart from the images they project. They are the most out of touch with their feelings.”
The really shocking thing was that I’ve been told that before, by someone really important in my life. I guess I didn’t really believe it or want to believe it, but it’s true.
I’m going home because this is something I need to improve. I’ve decided I need to work on myself before I can work well with others. I’m going home because I have no clue what I want to do at NU. Because I have been given this great opportunity, I should make the most of it, which is something that I’m really not doing. This makes me unhappy.
A good friend of mine, whose opinions and thoughts I respect greatly, recently told me something about happiness. She said it was relative, and that neither she nor I were happy, but we just deal with things and make it through the day.
But I feel just “making it through the day” is what I’ve been doing this entire quarter. It’s not enough for me to just deal with things. I need to feel like I have a purpose and that I am happy with that purpose.
And, as much as I hate to admit it, I am going home because I need to straighten things out with my former boyfriend, Andy, for better or worse. As of now, things aren’t looking promising for me, but maybe something will change when I go home. Or maybe I’ll have some grand realization about what’s best for me. But this entire situation has just lingered over my head since September, and it’s time for something to give.
Something is not letting me move on from him, and that’s why I feel like I should try to make things work. Because I feel deep down, it’s what he wants too, whether he vocalizes it or not.
Whenever I write my column, I always feel like it is right before or after I am going home. This one is no exception. Tomorrow, at 5:50 a.m., I will be on another plane back to El Paso, Texas. I have no idea what’s going to happen. All I ask is that you cross your fingers for me.
It makes me sad to think about leaving. But it’s something that I need to do for myself.
I’m a part of all the people I’ve met and I can say I’ve met some wonderful people here. I appreciate all that is done for me and I am taking that back with me. I am grateful for everything: fabulous girls letting me live in their suite, the tenants of 720 Foster St. providing me with the best home away from home, and being able to experience life outside the bubble. Things will get better.