Tony Gwynn all-star? Ken Griffey, Jr. Upper Deck? Donruss Wally Joyner “Rated Rookie” gem mint 10?

Give us a frickin’ break. Like you could trade all of those for even one “Bush Comforts Giuliani and Pataki.” You heard us.

This year, Topps is introducing its “2001 Enduring Freedom Collection.” That’s right, the gum and collectables company is feeding into our new-found jingoism in the only way they know how: By making trading cards.

And what trading cards they are. What red-blooded American boy wouldn’t want a mint-condition “Wall Street Reopens?” We know we’d send in as many Cheerios box-tops as we could to get a “Mayor Giuliani gives ‘thumbs up.'”

What would have to be wrong with a kid not to want a picture of her hero, “U.S. Secretary Of Transportation Norman Mineta?”

And, golly gee, you’d have to be a terrorist not to kick your mom in the shins until she buys you the full-size poster of “Britain’s HMS Cornwall Heads To Oman.”

Oman.

Topps makes their mission clear: “Kids need to understand that the President (and his team) will keep them safe and that evil-doers will be punished.”

Isn’t it nice knowing you went to bed in Sept. 2001 and woke up in a G.I. Joe straight-to-video movie?

But let’s be real: Topps is classy. There’s nothing exploitive here. Just good, old-fashioned American profiteering. Uh, we mean, patriotism.

Just read their Web site. “ENDURING FREEDOM PICTURE CARDS presents the New War on Terrorism in a format that children understand. Not included are the disturbing images shown repeatedly on national newscasts.”

Thank God for that. Otherwise, our children might get to see an “AC-130 Spectre: Versatile, Heavily Armed,” and have to actually imagine the damage it’s going to cause abroad. Then where would we be? HUH? HUH?

We’re glad Topps is making this set, following a tradition they began with their Desert Storm collection. We just hope they’re prepared to finish an “anthrax warriors expansion set” by Christmas. There are six eighth-graders waiting. nyou