They were much more disturbing than watching Penn State stuff the ball down Northwestern’s throat, rapping the ruler on the Wildcats’ knuckles in a painful history lesson. They came slowly, groups of NU students converging toward me like lost sheep, and all ready to spit out the same poorly formed query.

“Why does the football team suck?” they squealed, sounding like 6-year-olds who didn’t get to ride the Barf Blaster at Six Flags.

Whoa there, Mr. and Mrs. Impulsive. Nice to see you today.

First of all, do you think I know why NU’s playcalling has become pathetically predictable, why its offensive line can’t get any push off the snap count or why its secondary considers faceguarding and overrunning receivers an effective form of pass coverage?

Even Randy Walker can’t solve that riddle.

But more importantly, let’s examine that choice of words. Gee, I always thought a team “sucked” when it scored a total of 10 points in its final three games (read: NU in 1999) or notched three wins in six seasons (read: NU from 1976-81). I know it’s hard for some of you brainiacs, but think back to two years ago, when many of the current players donned the purple and white on Saturdays.

Back then, Zak Kustok looked like he was doing a bad Gene Kelley impression every week, shuffling around the pocket like a hyperactive hamster. Sam Simmons cemented himself to the bench after fracturing his clavicle five games into the year. And Damien Anderson? While many fair-weather fans point to his recent short comings, D.A. has reached the end zone seven times this season – he scored only three times in all of 1999.

So with all respect to JoePa, I’m going to give you spoiled punks a different kind of history lesson.

That football team you all are so quick to ditch was one of the worst bunch of scrubs in all of college football only decade ago. NU football was likened to the Grant presidency and the Titanic – it was an utter disaster. Those four wins the Cats have so far this year – only one NU squad reached that plateau in the 1980s.

Want more proof? Here’s a little assignment – take a look at pages 137-146 of the NU media guide. Trust me, “The Jungle” is a more uplifting read.

Now this year’s team is not entirely off the hook. The Cats have grossly underachieved, embarrassing themselves twice on national television with losses to less-than-stellar opponents. NU’s quick-strike offense of 2000 has been extinguished and its paper-thin defense has made a plethora of running backs feel like Barry Sanders.

But all in all, this team’s problems are skin deep compared to the bubbling gashes past NU teams carried through the years.

“We can count on one hand the number of Northwestern teams in the last 50 years that have been 4-2 or better, on one hand,” Walker said. “So it ain’t horrible. It isn’t where we want to be, but there’s a whole bunch of people who’d like to be 4-2 right now.”

Thousands of former NU players surely wish they were as successful.

So all you whiners out there – especially you underclassmen who weren’t here for the dark ages – bite your tongue. Get on that bus to Purdue, hop on that plane to El Paso and climb back on that purple bandwagon.