NU can’t screw. Paint it on the Rock, shout it from the top of University Hall and read all about it in Playboy.

The opinion page of one of the world’s most well known sex publications reads like the diary entry of a frustrated frat boy this month, lamenting college students’ inability to obtain and sustain fulfilling sex lives.

Playboy columnist Susie Bright used her November forum at Northwestern as evidence that most collegians are clueless about sex.

Like a 13-year-old fumbling with the clasp of his girlfriend’s training bra, NU students displayed an understanding of sex on par with a seventh grader, Bright reported.

She listed a sampling of the questions she received: “Can you hurt yourself from oral sex?”

“I’d bet any of these kids could ace a biology exam before I could lift my head off the desk, but they knew little about sexual relations,” she wrote.

Although the Wildcats served as her column’s case study, she assured The Daily in an e-mail that few other college students are frisky in bed.

Patti Lubin, an NU health educator, said students don’t have to go solo in their quest for information.

Lubin suggested students direct quandaries to Peer Health Educators and Reproductive Health Aides among others, who are on top of the situation.

But some students said that Bright adjudicated prematurely.

“Some people do all right,” said Ebo Dawson-Andoh, Associated Student Government academic vice president, who debunked Bright’s claim that the college sex is bad.

“Shoot, as long as you’re getting it,” he said.