It’s no surprise Northwestern has yet to find a replacement for Vice President for Student Affairs Peggy Barr. After all, hers is a taxing and merciless job. You have to deal with students — especially the disgruntled and mischievous ones — more often than any other administrator. And your every decision has to comply with the conservative and slow-to-change higher-ups.

Most students that have called for change on campus have probably had positive experiences with people like Barr; Mary Desler, assistant vice president for student affairs; and Norris Director Bill Johnston. More often than not, these individuals seem eager to listen carefully to student concerns and do everything in their power to help. It’s when the power is out of their hands that things get fuddled. You would think the King of Inefficiency himself sits at the top of the NU administration’s chain of command.

Students go to administrators with valid concerns about everything from NU clothing and classes to dining halls and cable. But certain administrators seem to follow a code of conduct that was created solely to frustrate these dissatisfied students. What follows is my interpretation of this code of conduct:

Avoid meeting with students for as long as possible. They may run out of steam before you have to respond. If they get loud or get their parents ($) involved, then extend an invitation to talk to them.

Try to make the initial meeting fruitless. Anything that stalls the “response process” is beneficial. Tell them you want to hear all about their concerns. Ask lots of questions, take notes and pretend it’s all news to you.

Let the students know you are eager to meet with them again. Set up a future meeting date, preferably one that is close to the quarter’s end or the year’s end. This allows more time for anger to defuse.

You also can buy loads of time by setting up committees and conducting surveys that will “further investigate” the situation. More meetings and more time will pass before you are presented with a committee report or survey result a year later that tells you exactly what the displeased students initially told you.

When talking directly to dissatisfied students, never give a definitive or lucid answer; you never know when you’ll need to change that answer later. Talk in circles, hit every possible tangent or simply ramble on until students forget what they asked. Move on before they realize you never thoroughly answered the question.

Try to use elevated language. Students are smart, but you’re older and you know more big words. Use this to your advantage; try to lose them in jargon. If this does not work, reach for your roll of red tape. Tell them you can’t respond for confidential or complex reasons.

Emphasize the importance of students’ concerns, but make sure they understand that meeting with students and alleviating their frustrations is actually more of a pain in the ass than a part of your job. Using the words “not our top priority” is always appropriate. But never tell them exactly what the top priority i$.

If you meet these qualifications for NU administrators, then check out this job ad: Vice president for student affairs needed at (sometimes) top-ranked university. You must be intelligent, educated, motivated and capable of following the suggestions outlined above. Old, white, conservative males preferred.