Did anyone else notice during Monday’s news conference about Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight that no appropriate euphemism exists for wiping one’s rear end with toilet paper and then showing it off to one’s team?

Here were two accomplished men, a university president and a board of trustees member, sitting in serious suits and solemnly discussing how the national face of their institution has a penchant for displaying his own “soiled toilet paper.”

Indiana’s brain trust couldn’t confirm if Charmingate ever took place, but Knight’s public statements — “If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it” — and videotaped assault of a former player forced the two men to appear very grave before a national television audience.

Knight’s embarrassing behavior forced a seven-week investigation, which concluded Monday with the announcement that he has a really bad temper.

The findings came as a shock to those who had never seen Knight throw a chair, curse an official, kick his son, choke a player, break his other son’s nose, glare at a reporter or get ejected from a game.

With a straight face, Indiana president Myles Brand said he will enforce a zero-tolerance policy and that Knight will be held to a higher standard than any other coach in the nation.

Knight will hold out his wrists at the beginning of the upcoming season so they can be slapped by Brand, who suspended him for three games and fined him $30,000.

Those who pulled out their tap shoes in anticipation of dancing all over Knight’s grave, myself included, should have known better. After all, Knight issued a mea culpa in which he accepted his “punishment” and admitted to having an anger problem.

Knight’s apology was unnecessary because he already has the only alibi he will ever need. The three NCAA championship banners hanging from the rafters of Assembly Hall are the equivalent of a “Get out of jail free” card in Monopoly.

And rest assured, Knight is receiving help. His wife is sticking Post-it notes around the house reminding him to be a nice guy.

Now that everything is solved, Knight can return to coaching after serving his hard time by missing three games against cupcake opponents.

After 29 years of antics that would have gotten anyone else fired 29 years ago, Knight showed he could survive allegations of booting the university president out of practice, assaulting a player and a spokesman for the athletic department and waving toilet paper streaked with feces in the faces of his players.

Charmin isn’t the only thing Knight has soiled.