Greetings, culture lovers!
Now it feels as if our lives are overrun with technology, while the works of Jane Austen offer a return to a simpler time. But what if Austen had access to Twitter, Facebook and cellphones? We at the Steam Press, as part of JaneAustenpalooza, imagine this alternate universe and present you with “Pride and Prejudice in Texts.”
15/8/1813 9:23 a.m.
Mrs. Bennet
To: Mr. Bennet
OMG get on ur good neighbor skillz for Mr. Bingley! 5000 a year! $$$ for our poor gurls!!
25/8/1813 7:20 p.m.
F. Darcy
To: C. Bingley
So, I don’t *actually* have to go tonight, do I?
25/8/1813 11:35 p.m.
Lizzie B.
To: Jane B.
Apparently I’m not “handsome” enough to dance with. This blows
25/8/1813 11:46 p.m.
C. Bingley
To: F. Darcy
So many hot gurls why u no talk to anybody???
F. Darcy
Re: C. Bingley
Sod off.
31/8/1813 8:50 a.m.
Mrs. Bennet
To: Mr. Bennet
Make sure u give Jane a horse. It’s gonna rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!
31/8/1813 4:22 p.m.
Lizzie B.
To: Mum
@ Netherfield, Jane sick, I blame you
31/8/1813 4:52 p.m.
Caroline Bingley
To: Mrs. Hurst
Um am I the only one who noticed Eliza Bennet’s petticoats? Talk about gross
31/8/1813 5:02 p.m.
F. Darcy
To: C. Bingley
Will the B sisters be staying then? BTW Elizabeth Bennet looked real fine today, just saying.
07/9/1813 8:58 a.m.
Father
To: Lizzie B.
Glad you two are home. Oh, and our cousin is coming. You know, the clergyman?
03/10/1813 11:23 a.m.
Lizzie B.
To: Charlotte Lucas
Ugh! Mr. Collins needs to GTFO. He’s ridic — can’t cope —
Charlotte Lucas
Re:
Lizzie B
He can’t be that bad. Bring him to Lucas Lodge & have u seen the new officers?
03/10/1813 12:53 a.m.
Mr. Collins
To: Cousin Elizabeth
Lovely walk 2day…this is ur number, right? You never text me back…
03/10/1813 12:55 a.m.
C. Bingley
To: F. Darcy
U alright? Jane looked so amazing this morning! But srsly, you ok? Im inviting her and the family to the ball…Man you alright?
F. Darcy
Re: C. Bingley
Fine. Why is there even a militia here? There’s no war! No wonder Napoleon is pillaging Europe. Need 2 text my sister.
03/10/1813 1:16 p.m.
G. Wickham
To: Lizzie B.
Hey nice meeting u today. Here’s my number, you know what to do
Lizzie B
Re: G. Wickham
Hmm smooth. Hey, what was up with you and Darcy??
G. Wickham
Re: Lizzie B.
Well ah I don’t like 2 talk about it but he basically ruined my life NBD TTYL
12/10/1813 9:20 p.m.
Charlotte Lucas
To: Lizzie B.
OMG can’t believe Darcy just asked you 2 dance!
12/10/1813 12:03 p.m.
Caroline Bingley
To: F. Darcy
Jane B has got 2 go
13/10/1813 2:07 a.m.
[DRAFT]
F. Darcy
To: Elizabeth B.
I realize we may have argued tonight …
Perhaps our conversation got a bit heated …
I really am sorry if I gave u the impression that I didn’t like dancing with you …
Damn.
13/10/1813 3:13 p.m.
Mr. Collins
To: Cousin Elizabeth
Im sure once u think about my offer you’ll reconsider …
16/10/1813 7:55 a.m.
Lizzie B
To: Charlotte Lucas
Wait wait wait — you’re marrying WHO?!?!
16/10/1813 9:43 a.m.
Mrs. Bennet
To: Mr. Bennet
Those conniving Lucases! They’ll evict us from our home!! Oh, this is all Lizzie’s fault!
And now Bingley has left Jane & we’ll die in the poorhouse! Ugh FML
05/01/1814 8:17 a.m.
Lydia B.
To: Lizzie B.
Can’t believe Wickham threw u over 4 Ms. King she’s a freckled ho fugly bitch
20/04/1814 10:53 a.m.
F. Darcy
To: Col Fitz
So all set to visit Kent?
Col Fitz
Re: F. Darcy
LOL, ready for Battle-Axe de Bourgh?
22/04/1814 11:06 a.m.
Lady Catherine
To: W. Collins
Come to Rosings at once! You can meet my nephews.
25/04/1814 7:45 p.m.
F. Darcy
To: Elizabeth B.
Just wanted to say I really enjoyed talking with you 2day
Lizzie B
To: F. Darcy
You realize we don’t actually talk, we argue
25/04/1814 9:18 p.m.
Charlotte C.
To: Lizzie B.
Ummm??? Darcy is always staring @ you AND you 2 were def alone when I came home. What is up?
26/04/1814 2:07 p.m.
Col Fitz
To: Miss Elizabeth
Hey maybe it was a mistake — maybe Darcy wasn’t talking about Bingley and ur sister??? He’s not a bad guy…
26/04/1814 10:17 p.m.
F. Darcy
To: Ms. Bennet
Don’t be alarmed — I need to give you something. 2morrow at the park? Please?
Lizzie B.
Re: F. Darcy
I’m sure we have nothing left to say to each other, sir!
27/04/1814 1:20 p.m.
Jane B.
To: Lizzie B.
Wait what do u mean Mr. Darcy was in love with you!? Text me back!
05/05/1814 11:42 a.m.
Lizzie B.
To: G. Wickham
I know what you did last summer.
14/05/1814 11:34 a.m.
Lydia B.
To: Kitty B.
Having soooo much fun in Brighton! XOXO!!!
18/05/1814 7:14 p.m.
Lizzie B.
To: Jane B.
Men are dumb. I’m sick of the lot of ‘em. I think I’m going with Aunt & Uncle G to the Lakes
Jane B.
Re: Lizzie B.
<3 you! You’ll have fun — ur not still thinking of Mr. D???
Lizzie B
Re: Jane B
Totes no. So over that.
29/05/1814 10:28 a.m.
Aunt Gardiner
To: Lizzie B.
Isn’t the country nice? But change of plans. No lakes, just Derbyshire. We can stay @ Lambton and see the cool houses — like Pemberley!
30/05/1814 9:15 a.m.
Fitz Darcy
To: Georgiana D.
Got an early start, just gonna go for a quick swim! I’ll see you soon!
30/05/1814 3:58 p.m.
Lizzie B.
To: F. Darcy
OMG I can’t believe we creeped on your house, so sorry!
02/06/1814 5:09 a.m.
Jane B.
To: Lizzie B.
Can’t explain over txt! Plz hurry home ASAP!!
02/06/1814 7:27 p.m.
Lydia B.
To: Bennet Family
LOLZ guess who’s eloped, foolz!
12/06/1814 7:13 p.m.
Lizzie B.
To: Jane B.
I’m so mad that I told Darcy. We’re ruined!
Jane B.
Re: Lizzie B.
I’m sure Wickham will marry her
Mary B.
Re: Jane B., Lizzie B.
No we’re actually screwed. Start praying.
18/06/1814 10:45 a.m.
Mum
To: Lydia B.
I can’t believe ur married!! <3 <3 XOXO!! Come visit sweetie!
02/07/1814 5:25 p.m.
Lydia B.
To: Lizzie B.
So when I said Darcy was @ my wedding I def didn’t mean *that* Darcy …
23/08/1814 9:27 a.m.
C. Bingley
To: F. Darcy
Settled in Netherfield! It’s good 2 b back!! Call on Bennets 2nite? Or 2morrow?
01/09/1814 11:32 a.m.
Jane B.
To: Lizzie B.
Phew first meeting with Bingley wasn’t that awk :) It’s nice 2 see him
05/09/1814 10:12 a.m.
Mum
To: Lizzie B.
Get upstairs NOW!! Leave Jane & Bingley alone!!
05/09/1814 5:25 p.m.
F. Darcy
To: C. Bingley
Congrats! But before I leave 4 London I have to tell you something …
10/09/1814 3:18 p.m.
Mr. Bennet
To: Lizzie B.
Haha, can’t get over how Collins thought you & Darcy were engaged! Priceless! And Charlotte with child, poor girl.
Lizzie B.
Re: Father
It’s not funny.
12/09/1814 8:11 a.m.
Lady Catherine
To: Lizzie B
I have never met such rudeness!! Don’t think I’ll ever forget it!! You’ll never have Darcy!!
[LADY CATHERINE DE BOURGH HAS BEEN BLOCKED]
14/09/1814 11:42 a.m.
Lizzie B.
To: F. Darcy
We need to talk …
14/09/1814 9:28 p.m.
Father
To: Lizzie B.
Mr. Darcy just asked to marry you — care to explain?!
14/09/1814 3:02 a.m.
Jane B.
To: Lizzie B.
Wait you love Darcy! Oh Lizzie I’m so happy! Double wedding!!
15/09/1814 6:28 p.m.
Mrs. Bennet
To: Mr. Bennet
10,000 a year!! I always liked him you know!! Our own Lizzie!!! 3 daughters married!!
26/12/1814 8:00 a.m.
Darcy
To: Lizzie
Good morning, Mrs. Darcy.
And they all lived happily ever after, naturally.
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Twitter: @badbroderick
