Greetings, culture lovers! The Steam Press is back and steamier than ever with the latest from Hollywood.
Though slated to release next summer, the “Fifty Shades” movie has already become more convoluted than Anastasia Steele’s love life. And after endless speculation and teases, British actor Jamie Dornan has committed to the role of Christian Grey.
How Dornan will fare as the filthy-rich sex god remains to be seen, but if he finds himself unequal to the task, we at the Steam Press have brainstormed a few other casting choices.
Nicolas Cage: Beyond the obvious (his seductive looks and crazy eyes come to mind), this casting choice would appeal to the key “losing hair and sanity” demographic. And seeing how Cage is the king of sequels, the studio would have no problem splitting up the trilogy into at least six parts.
Cage could be Christian Grey as you’ve never seen him before — unshaven and unhinged.
Potential Script: I’m going to steal your innocence like I stole the Declaration of Independence.
His Leading Lady: Actually, I can see Cage playing both Christian and Ana. Think “Get in the Cage” with Nic Cage, but with handcuffs.
Co-stars: Rage, a flaming motorcycle, bees
James Franco: As an aspiring “serious artist,” Franco would bring depth and pathos to this complex role. Or at least I think he would. It’s hard to tell what lies behind those perpetually squinting eyes.
Potential Script: Safety first … then sex.
His Leading Lady: She’s a very obscure actress; you’ve probably never heard of her.
Co-stars: NYU letterman jacket, obnoxious sunglasses, a crushing sense of ennui
Alex Pettyfer: Dornan is hot, but Pettyfer is hotter. His brooding good looks, searing gaze and chiseled body are perfectly suited to … hmm, what were we talking about? Although he has yet to land a truly star-making role, this could be his big break. Hire this man!
Potential Script: None. Pettyfer needs no words, not with a face like that.
His Leading Lady: I volunteer!
Co-stars: A shirt that can be easily tossed aside, the smolder
Don’t be surprised if I drop out to become a casting director, dear readers. Hollywood needs talent like mine!
In the event that I do end up making it big in La La Land, wouldn’t you like to say that you knew me first? Follow @BadBroderick on Twitter for the latest Steam.
