Hey, kids. It’s week seven, so let’s be real, I’m tired, you’re tired and I’m out of column ideas — even though writing and complaining are my two greatest loves in life. And when I say out of ideas, I mean dead out of ideas. Yesterday I tried to sit down and write this column on why condiments are the best food – because who doesn’t love ketchup and Nutella? Needless to say, I’m going in a different direction, so I’m sorry that you guys will never get to read my brilliant thoughts on that topic. Rest assured it was pure gold.

But Friday night I went to see “Something Borrowed” – check out my review of it in The Current on Thursday – and it reminded me why I wanted to do this column in the first place: to make people laugh. It was a predictably stupid movie, but I still left with a smile on my face. So that’s what I want this little oasis of literary genius to do for all you poor tired readers out there. And what better way to pull you out of those post-midterm doldrums than to combine some of our favorite things: Lists, annoying people, and – yes, once again – Facebook.

Last night I was at a birthday party and when I got back to Plex, my friends and I had a heated moral debate over whether or not to upload the photos immediately. And that got me thinking: What is good Facebook etiquette and what constitutes a Facebook faux pas?

So here are five types of Facebook personalities that I could do without – and by that I mean that I couldn’t do without because then what would I have to complain about?

Offense 1: The wall-post breakup couple

When your boyfriend of two years breaks up with you on your wall, it’s completely your prerogative to retaliate by hacking into his account, posting a slew of obscene status updates, and then publishing all of your private messages in a Facebook “Note,” but just know that I am probably taking screen shots of said activities and sending them to everyone I know. And to fan the flames, I will probably also high-five anyone who likes your relationship status change.

Offense 2: The overly overt stalker

If the photo is more than a few months old, resist the urge to like or comment on it. Really guys, this is stalking 101. I will freely admit that I have at times stooped so low as to look through upwards of 500 photos in a sitting, but something as innocent as a “like” on someone’s sophomore year high school homecoming photo will expose you for what you are: a creeper.

Offense 3: The Capitalizing Guy

Just Because You Went Through A Phase In High School Where You Didn’t Capitalize Anything Doesn’t Mean You Should Compensate By Capitalizing The First Letter Of Every Word. Enough Said.

Offense 4: The Facebook chat over-sharer

Staying logged in to Facebook chat is a double-edged sword. You want to be online to chat with friends, but not with that rando from your high school who wants to have philosophical discussions about “whether love or happiness is more important” or how their cousin was arrested for threatening someone with a knife. Not appropriate. Also, just a general guideline, if you aren’t on say-hi-when-I-pass-you-on-the-street terms with a person, you aren’t on Facebook chat terms with them.

Offense 5: The lax/overly eager photo uploader

When you are the one with the camera at an event, you essentially have all the power. You get to decide what photos are uploaded and when, thus controlling everyone’s almighty number of tagged photos, upon which our self-worth is based. But there is a window of socially acceptable opportunity for uploading the photos. Upload too soon – i.e. within 24 hours of the event – and you look over eager. Forget to upload and everyone will figuratively stink eye you forever for sabotaging their photo count.

And on that note, I will leave you all to rethink your Facebook escapades in peace. Not to mention, I just passed the 24 hour mark, so I need to go upload the photos I took yesterday.

Samantha Booth is a Medill junior. She can be reached at [email protected].