“The guy made a million dollars!”

(Dialogue between Tom Smykowski and Michael Bolton of Office Space)

As it turns out, the Pet Rock really wasn’t so monetarily worthless.

Created by Gary Dahl in 1975, the Pet Rock sold for $3.95 and came with a 32-page manual entitled “The Care and Training of your Pet Rock.” Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “I should’ve just sold rocks to my crushes rather than tried to convey my prepubescent charm through eating them.” Or am only I thinking this?

Regardless, I refuse to acknowledge that Gary Dahl is a genius. Were people really so hard-up for cash during the stagflation ‘70s that they substituted Pet Rocks for hamsters? This is how I would envision a conversation with my disco-loving, rock-happy wife, starting with me saying:

“Where are you going, honey?”

“I’m going to clean Rocky’s cage. It stinks.”

“You realize that Rocky is literally an inanimate object only capable of gathering moss, right?”

“Steve, would you want to live in a dirty house?”

“I’m punting Rocky off the nearest bridge tomorrow.”

Unfortunately, I would have a painfully difficult time Baxter-punting this generation’s version of the Pet Rock off a bridge. Any ideas on what I’m alluding to? I’ll hint at the product with a few comments from our fellow Northwestern brethren:

Clue #1: “There’s no way it’s supposed to be a real product.”

Clue #2: “It is equipped with all the perfectly awkward facial expressions a man ever needs.”

Clue #3: “It is so absurd that Saturday Night Live temporarily became funny again because of it.”

Still not sure? (If not, you’re an idiot – it’s on the page.) It’s the Shake Weight! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Shake Weight is this generation’s version of the Pet Rock. Invented by South African entrepreneur Johann Verheem, the Shake Weight is a new workout dumbbell that uses “dynamic inertia” to tone arm muscle. It has become much more than an infomercial fad due to its “unconventional, hands-on” technique. There are actually a limitless number of jokes to be made about this 6-minute, arm-flab-reducing technique, but there is no way the Daily is going to allow me to try out my latest stand-up comedy routine. So, in order to circumvent the authority, I will quote Verheem directly.

Says the mastermind in a recent interview: “We all have dirty minds … If you do it based on the three exercises that we have laid out, (the innuendo) is not that suggestive.” Enough said.

I’m on the Shake Weight website right now, mulling over the flashing words “Makes a great gift!” Think about what you are insinuating if you give it your lady-friend. Not only are you directly saying you think she could use some exercise, but you are indirectly saying you don’t think she has the discipline to hit the gym and use actual weights!

If the world made sense, all men would be spooning the Shake Weight instead of their girls if they gave it as a gift. However, the product actually sells with approximately $50 million in total revenue. Does it work? Who cares? It’s hilarious as a gift, and it has navigated its way through the market.

I think NU should sponsor a competition in which students create a pseudo-campaign for their most absurd product ideas. The five most hilarious campaigns are chosen, and the students are placed into a class overseen by entrepreneurs and marketers who help these students most efficiently utilize their seed-money to make their products go viral. Why do this? Because at heart, we’re all just envious we haven’t yet had the honor of being made fun of by SNL.

Steve Hofmann is a Weinberg junior. He can be reached at [email protected].