So me and the Frat Boy pull up two stools on an off-night at the Keg and settle in with a pitcher of their finest Keystone. Frat Boy’s mind is already on the Iowa game, specifically the new on-campus tailgate events planned for this Saturday.

“I guess it’s aight,” Frat Boy tells me, “But who’s gonna go to a dry tailgate? Seriously, man, it’s a football game. I’m tryin’ to play pong.”

Well sure, Frat Boy, but you’re a senior, right? Isn’t there an official seniors-only tailgate meant for folks who might want a drink or six before kickoff?

“Naw, bro, that’s not the point and you know it. I’m talking Big Ten, ESPN, College Game Day-style. I’m talking kegs and eggs, and the whole school at one party. Why can’t this school ever be fun, like Madison or Ann Arbor?”

I’ve never been to Madison, but I guess Saturdays here don’t look much like ESPN.

“That’s right, they don’t. Then I gotta read e-mails from Burgie Howard about how the neighbors are complaining? Where do they want us to go?”

Couldn’t tell you, Frat Boy.

“And there’s another thing. We wouldn’t even be a problem for the neighbors if they let us drink on-campus in the first place.”

I guess not.

“It doesn’t make sense, bro. People are gonna get wasted no matter what you do. It’s not like they’re gonna stop us from partying.”

Listen, Frat Boy, I like to put down some beers same as you. But isn’t getting wasted kind of the problem?

“What problem? People gotta take responsibility for themselves. It’s not Northwestern’s business if I’m tryin’ to get drunk every weekend.”

So what do you want the university to do, Frat Boy?

“Stop making fun illegal at Northwestern. Let people drink in the frat houses, and give everyone full amnesty if someone gets sick. And let us do our tailgates up big, like a real state school.”

Well that sounds nice, Frat Boy, but who’s gonna be liable? What would you do if the university gave us North Campus-partier types the freedom to flipcup as we please, then watched as the 93-pound girls got carried out of frats on stretchers? What will you do after the first hospital trip, the first sexual assault, the first alcohol poisoning death?

“Dude, how is it any different than off-campus? It’s gonna happen anyway, might as well get away from the neighbors. And the cops.”

Don’t you read The Daily, Frat Boy? Northwestern just committed itself to a $2 million settlement with the family of Matt Sunshine, a settlement that puts Northwestern on the hook for hundreds of thousands of dollars for research and advocacy to prevent binge drinking. They’re also explicitly required in the settlement to reinforce Illinois law and campus rules.

So lets say I agree with you that moving things onto campus would help relations with the neighbors without causing any more danger. It’s still out of our hands. I’m with you, Frat Boy, I think college kids are going to drink like college kids. But even if Northwestern threw us a bone on little things, like letting of-age brothers drink in their houses, they could never sit back and let big parties happen above the board. Not now. And there’s not much you, me, Dean Howard or anybody else can do about it.

“So that’s it? We can’t do anything to bring the drinking out in the open, so we wouldn’t have to hide like criminals? Evanston residents will stay angry, Northwestern will still have the same mess on its hands, and the big parties will keep pushing west of Sheridan?

I could be wrong, but it looks that way to me.

“I think we need another pitcher. I think I’m feeling a little depressed.”

Sit down, Frat Boy. This one’s on me.

Mike Carson is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].