By Laura MooreThe Daily Northwestern
As I write what is effectively my last column as a college student, I’m tempted to reminisce on the last five quarters I’ve spent covering this magical beast we call pop-culture. I’ve been through incredible highs (an e-mail from Mark Cuban after I called him a “jackass” in a column about My Super Sweet 16) and devastating lows (R.I.P.: Britney and Kevin, Anna Nicole, Paris’ last shred of dignity). But let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we? This column’s not about me; it’s about scandal, celebrity and how Hollywood’s ridiculousness relates back to the average college student. That said, I’d like to leave you with some wisdom I’ve come across during my tenure, which will expand your mind and fill the pop-culture void left in your life by my absence. Oh, and that sound is your heart breaking.
* The purpose of rehab is twofold. First and foremost, it is to get you back on the wagon. But second, and only slightly less important, is to keep you in the limelight. Were you wondering what the gardener from Desperate Housewives was up to after he left the show? Neither was I until I found out his booze-loving, eyebrow-waxing ass was off to rehab. So when you feel like your friends keep forgetting to call you before they go to Hundo, tell them you and your opium addiction are going to Promises. You’ll be charming the patrons of the beer garden in no time.
* Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler and Vince Vaughn have made millions of dollars off of their comic timing. When you quote their movies, something is lost in translation. Maybe it has to do with your delivery. Or the fact that you’re not funny. Pretty sure that’s why no one asked you to be in Old School. Or Billy Madison.
* Eracism! Nomophobia!
* This might be depressing, but The X-Files was on to something. Trust no one. If you have the good fortune of becoming famous, everyone wants to bring you down. Picking your nose in your car? Someone just caught that on their camera phone. Plan on screaming at your boyfriend in the lobby of the SoHo Grand? The front desk people will call that shit in to Page Six, count on it. Berating your estranged daughter on voicemail? Alec Baldwin will tell you the tape’s gonna leak.
* The Duchess of Windsor once said, “A woman can’t be too rich or too thin.” She was half right. If your sternum is clearly visible under your skin – or you’re an Olsen twin – you’ve overdone it. But conversely, you haven’t really lived until you’ve bought your own private island, put a diamond fence around it and paid people to hunt them for sport.
* Don’t let the money, good looks, sex appeal and jet-setting lifestyle fool you. Celebrities! They’re just like us!
So that’s it. The time has come for me to walk away from this column forever. Yes, it is indeed sad, but Perez Hilton, E! News Daily, Access Hollywood, The Daily 10, Defamer, Gawker, Radar, The Superficial, Entertainment Weekly, TV Guide, Pink is the New Blog, Entertainment Tonight, A Socialite’s Life, Best Week Ever and The Soup will just have to do. Wow. That is a long list. Maybe I spoke to soon about that whole heartbreaking thing…4
Medill senior Laura Moore is a PLAY pop culture columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].
