In Monday’s guest column in The Daily, Todd Lewis wanted you to believe that flat maps are misleading. He wanted you to think that only globes can accurately model our world. He wanted you to take in the maps around you with a grain of salt. You may believe him, but I don’t. I’m onto you, Todd Lewis. Now it’s time to flatten the tires of the liberal conspiracy you’re riding.
First off, your assumption about a round world is completely unmerited. Just this past year journalist Thomas Friedman hit the bestseller list with his book “The World is Flat.” It would surprise me if he didn’t check his facts first.
Of course, Todd, you care more about ‘flats’ than facts. That is to say, you’ve got a strong liberal bias against the great Republican institution of flatness. By discrediting one form of flatness, you mean to dishonor them all.
Take the flat tax. The brain-child of Steve Forbes would tax us all the same percentage rate. Sounds pretty fair to me. But then again, I can actually trust the economic elite who make decisions for me. You, Todd, on the other hand, can’t even trust what a map tells you. How could you ever listen to the wisdom of a multi-millionaire?
But it’s not just the flat tax, it’s the flat states you’re after. Well, Todd, my sweet home, North Dakota, is one of those old, flat Republican states. And I can tell you, the Great Plains region lives up to its name.
First, it is great. Second, it has planes, and we don’t need you telling them which route is the “fastest” way to fly. If we had it your way, Todd, we’d shrink those Great Plains states to the size of Delaware. Then what’s Delaware going to shrink to? I’d like to say your ego, but I’m afraid it’s simply too large.
Of course, you’re much more concerned with inflating Third World countries to their “proper” size. Well, I’m sorry, Todd, but there is only one world, and as long as America rules it, your precious Third World should be grateful it makes it on the map at all.
Now, dear reader, you may be thinking, “Todd Lewis’ ideas don’t seem that extreme. Maybe we should trust him.”
Well, that’s slippery slope thinking, and if there’s one thing my campaign for flatness wants to avoid, it’s slopes. Let’s just imagine what Todd Lewis’s ideal map might look like.
If Todd Lewis had his way, China would take up half of the map, right next to Mother Russia and the former Soviet Bloc. Iran would be 20 times the size of Iraq, the shining emblem of democracy in the Middle East. And every one of the United States would be blue.
Let’s pretend that maps are like a giant cola. If we let if fall flat, then it will be digestible for children of all ages. But, if you shake things up you create a big mess.
I will give you this though, Todd. You are flat in one respect: flat wrong.