With the 2008 primary season just around the corner, you may find yourself lost and alone, without a metaphoric compass to guide you.
That is why I have put together this handy election guide. The election odds below provide all the information you will need until the presidential debates, at which time you will be given 30-second answers to all your questions. I have broken the candidates down by party, for greater ease.
Democrats: Dennis Kucinich (111,000: 1): Kucinich will nearly double his support from 2004, as he finally convinces his wife to vote for him.
Sen. Joe Biden (5,000: 1): Senator Biden could talk himself out of anything. Notably, the presidency.
Bill Richardson (3,000: 1): Gov. Richardson once served as the United States’ ambassador to the UN. Traitor.
John Kerry (1,000: 1): Would have been a good bet after his narrow loss to the absolute powerhouse, George W. Bush.
Mike Gravel (300: 1): Mike Gravel was a senator from Alaska in the 1970s. It’s really cute that he decided to run.
Hillary Clinton (100: 1): Is actually just Bill in a Hillary suit. Which also means that Bubba never cheated on his wife.
Barack Obama (25: 1): Many analysts have said that people project their aspirations on Barack. This would explain why I perceive him as having a job.
Al Sharpton (1: 35): I wish there had been more coverage about the Don Imus scandal.
Republicans: John H. Cox (100,000: 1): The majority of his funding, $735,000, comes from personal wealth. Sorry John. The White House wasn’t built for poor people.
George Pataki (45,000: 1): Pataki would have lost the gubernatorial race in New York. Then again, New York is a very liberal state. Then again, Pataki would be a terrible president.
Sam Brownback (35,000: 1): Brownback has thus far escaped any “Brokeback Mountain” jokes. I have a list of about 30 I’m waiting to pull out if he’s nominated.
Fred Thompson (350: 1): He is a professional actor.
Mitt Romney (300: 1): He is a Mormon. I don’t think we can trust him not to bow to the power of the Pope.
Chuck Hagel (180: 1): Too busy arguing with Marx.
Mike Huckabee (100: 1): Lost more than 100 pounds in the last four years. Must lose 100 more to be beautiful.
John McCain (50: 1): Seemed like the best candidate until the White House hung up their “Irish need not apply sign.”
Duncan Hunter (1: 11): Almost a guarantee to become the next Presidential candidate.
The 2008 election looks like the Sharpton-Hunter match-up you’ve anticipated for years!