Near the beginning of the first Star Wars movie, we encounter young Luke Skywalker on the desert planet Tatooine. For modern Americans, a different force looms in the desert. Every day, billions of illegal aliens cross from Mexico into the deserts of the Southwest. And just like in the film, where Luke joins a rebellion against the Empire, these intrepid souls are out to take down America. We need to say to these potential Lukes: “We are your father, not your fatherland.” And there’s only one way to say it: Star Wars.
The Star Wars Defense System began as an arrangement of laser-equipped satellites designed to shoot down nuclear warheads. When the Soviets no longer posed a problem, the government shut the program down. But now it’s the spring and things are heating up on the border. It’s time to revive that Cold War relic.
This isn’t the first time we’ve tried to stop immigration. The Secure Fence Act provided a good start with its provision for an enormous fence between the United States and Mexico. However, the fence will require too much manpower and not enough lasers. Only a satellite modeled on the Death Star can save us. Bush has already shown that the best policies revolve around fiction. Why not add in a little science for a change?
Not much project development is needed as most of the technology already exists. I’m pretty sure that Google Maps can already spot illegal immigrants crossing the border. The only hard part will be developing a civilized method to deal with the unlawful emigre.
In order to ensure a humane process, the government need only borrow from another science fiction source: Star Trek. Instead of using some sort of high-powered, potentially harmful laser, the Star Trek Defense (STD) will pick up border-jumpers and beam them to Guantanamo. This segues nicely into the objections that this system violates human rights.
However, human rights should not be a concern. Pat Buchanan claims that Mexicans are not “Western people.” Because Mexico is clearly a Western nation, that can only mean that Mr. Buchanan believes that Mexicans aren’t “people.” As such, nothing done to them can possibly be inhumane. According to the Washington Spectator, marginal presidential candidate Tom Tancredo claimed that immigrants are coming to kill “you, me and my grandchildren.” Right now you’re saying, “I don’t even have grandchildren.” Well, have you considered that the illegals killed them all? Tom Tancredo has.
Our American Empire has a chance to protect itself from illegal immigration without all the paperwork of turning Mexicans into citizens. If we just put the money into developing the right weapon, we can avoid ever having to integrate someone who speaks Spanish. If we’ve learned one lesson from Star Wars, it’s that an Empire must swiftly deal with its illegal aliens.