By Laura MoorePLAY Columnist

In addition to having a wealth of pop culture knowledge, I’ve got some other pretty special talents that I like to roll out when they are most fitting. Now that we are in the throes of award season, it’s time to dust off what is perhaps my most stunning ability. I’m talking about clairvoyance. Yes friends, I can see the future.

Now I can’t see useless, everyday things. This isn’t That’s So Raven. But I am virtually flawless at predicting award winners. Perhaps you remember a little film from 1997 called Booty Call. While many saw good-natured hijinks, I saw Oscar, thanks to the performance of one Mr. Jamie Foxx. It’s a gift, I can’t deny it.

So now that the Golden Globes and the SAG Awards are out of the way, I’m going to invoke my sacred skill to blow your mind with a few of the winners at the big show: The Academy Awards.

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson takes it, but in a Zoolander-like moment, Beyonce goes up on stage to accept for her un-nominated performance. Amidst boos, she breaks into an acapella version of “Survivor” and is dragged off stage.

Best Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy takes home the statue. His award is revoked the next day after Academy voters catch a screening of Norbit.

Best Director: Clint Eastwood wins his third directing Oscar. Martin Scorsese replaces his daily fiber tablet with cyanide.

Achievement in Cinematography: Vilmos Zsigmond’s use of extreme long shots juxtaposed with medium close-ups in The Black Dahlia is breathtaking. Just kidding, I have no idea. I’m just throwing around buzzwords I learned last quarter in Analyzing Media Texts. Mise-en-scene!

Best Documentary Feature: It’s victory for neo-hippies everywhere. An Inconvenient Truth wins. Davis Guggenheim starts by thanking die-hard environmentalists and continues for 15 minutes until his praise trickles down to anyone who owns a Prius.

Best Actress: Shocker: Helen Mirren wins it. When the camera pans to Judi Dench and Meryl Streep, they both flick off the camera because they’re too old to care anymore. Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz smile because they are still young and attractive.

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker cements 2007 as his year and in spite of a barely intelligible, scattered acceptance speech, wins everyone over with his earnestness and an underlying fear that he might actually eat them if they laugh.

The Big Shebang – Best Picture: In a mild upset, Little Miss Sunshine takes it. Abigail Breslin thanks her agent because now she won’t have to do any controversial rape scenes to get attention.

So there you have it. Academy Awards ’07. You heard it hear first.

Medill senior Laura Moore is a PLAY pop columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].