By Laura MoorePLAY Columnist
For the most part I’m not cut out for reality TV. I’ve got too much pride to be on “The Bachelor,” I’d be off “Survivor” as soon as they told me I’d have to use leaves for toilet paper (bitch, you know I only use Charmin Ultra) and I used to make my own Barbie clothes out of old socks, so “Project Runway’s” Tim Gunn would probably kick me in the face. But there is one show I would totally dominate. Using a well-honed mix of wit, fast delivery and my love of pointing out the shortcomings of others I think I would reign victorious on MTV’s “Yo Momma.”
I have somewhat of a history with “yo momma” jokes that dates back to when I was about 11 and purchased Kids Book of Disses at my elementary school’s book fair. I soon found that saying someone’s mother was so rotund that she had to be baptized at Sea World and other such insults were so hilarious they should be repeated often and to people who would likely take offense. I mean just the idea of turning Shamu’s home base into a place of God! Can you even imagine!?
Since then I’ve garnered quite a repertoire of “yo momma” jokes (mostly taken from Kids Book of Disses and a random episode of “In Living Color”) that I can spring on unsuspecting passersby at any moment. And though it’s important to have a vault of slams ready to let loose on my Yo Momma competition, I also have to be able to think on my feet, something I’ve been doing since I could stand. For example, if I notice my competition suffers from a particularly nasty case of gout, you can count on me mentioning it. If I notice they’re wearing Wrangler jeans, I’ll bring that up, too. My sense of decency abandoned me a few years ago so there is no sacred cow I’m not willing to poke with my insult stick. This fact is key in asserting my “Yo Momma” supremacy.
Another important aspect in dominating “Yo Momma” is good old common sense. I recently watched previews of the newest season and one kid wowed the crowd with “yo momma’s so ugly anorexic girls look at her when they wanna throw up.” Wrong-o dude! Anorexic girls don’t throw up, bulimic girls do! That’s just ignorance and ignorance doesn’t win on “Yo Momma.”
Since season two of “Yo Momma” already premiered in New York, it’s only logical that Wilmer and his posse will head to Chicago for season three. Needless to say, I will be at the tryouts repping my Evanston ‘hood and seeking all the glory that will inevitably come my way. You know, after I tell some kid his momma’s so bald that when she puts on a turtleneck she looks like a busted condom. Zing!
Medill senior Laura Moore is a PLAY pop culture columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].
