Do you want to make money and meet new people? Do you want to be your own boss and set your own hours? Are you an Evanston male age 18 to 25? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you might fit the profile for a career in professional wealth reallocation.
Mugging is one of the fastest growing job sectors in the Evanston area. Northwestern students are an untapped natural resource that could make YOU rich TODAY. And the best part about being a mugger is that you can show up to work drunk. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be mugging like a pro in no time!
Step 1: Dress for success
When you’re out on the job, appearance is everything. Unless you mug students at off-campus parties, you don’t have to worry about the University or Evanston police departments. But that doesn’t mean you can outrun the Fashion Police.
The key to a good mugging ensemble is the pullover hoodie. It’s what separates the mugger from the panhandler and the hobo.
On top of being stylish, the hoodie is comfortable, warm and comes with a perfect knife-holding pocket in the front. If you want to be clever, wear a hoodie from your favorite Ivy League school when you’re robbing NU students. (They will appreciate the irony, and the hoodie will allow you to blend in seamlessly with students.)
You’re in luck – this week the Norris Bookstore has a 25 percent off sale on all apparel. Although you could probably just steal one.
Step 2: Stake your claim
Stealing money from college students is one thing, but stealing students from another mugger is downright rude.
In the world of mugging, professional courtesy trumps all. Nothing is more embarrassing than trying to mug someone who has already been cleaned out for the night.
Most of the good spots at NU have already been taken by experienced veterans, and the streets of Evanston are saturated with winos and crack enthusiasts. But don’t let the crowded marketplace discourage you! Be creative: Mug students while they’re in class. If you’re in one of the “smart” classrooms, make sure to pick up some free electronics on the way out. Most professors won’t miss a stray laptop or DVD player. If anyone asks what you’re doing, just tell them that you’re a janitor or a foreign exchange student.
Step 3: How to bypass dorm security monitors
Look them in the eyes and walk by.
Step 4: Get rich, don’t die trying
As the old saying goes, success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent owning a gun. Be safe and be smart.
The streets of Evanston are not as safe as they used to be. More and more students are enrolling in martial arts classes. There’s no telling who you’ll run into, so it’s always a good idea to work the streets with a partner. Do you really want to risk your health over a drunken frat boy with a major in taking cheap shots?
As you can see, mugging is an exciting and lucrative industry that people are talking about. And if mugging doesn’t satisfy your career goals, there are always opportunities for upward mobility. Many experienced muggers go on to pursue advanced careers in fields such as assault, sexual assault, and assault and battery.
So don’t waste any more time! Your first payday is walking down the street right now.
Deputy forum editor Tony Evans is a Weinberg junior. He can be reached at [email protected].
