I’ve always been fascintaed by the kiss-and-tell. Especially as a listener, you can tell a lot about someone. Oh, he’s got a mouth like a Hoover, huh? She’s a biter? Really? Suckssss.
When someone is that eager to let me know the awful truth about their bump ‘n’ grind, I find myself making judgments not about whoever they hooked up with, but about them as the secret-spiller. I don’t mean judgments about what they do in bed or even in a bathroom stall at a bar. We’re young, we like to have a good time, go do what you do.
Instead, I judge the fact that they’ll give out potentially mortifying details about someone who may have seen them in a similarly, shall we say, compromising position. This is why I have dubbed Wilmer Valderrama something of a douche bag.
It’s no secret young Hollywood is lacking in class and discretion, but Wilmer went and upped the tackiness ante. Though he was surely prompted by the ever-tactful Howard Stern, the That ’70s Show star found national radio to be the most appropriate venue to name his, uh, “hit list.”
But no, he didn’t stop at merely identifying Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ashlee Simpson. He threw good taste to the wind and gave sexual tidbits about each. America now knows that Wilmer is the proud possessor of Mandy’s V-card and Jennifer’s dignity as, in bed, she’s only an 8. A “B-.” Ouch. You might think Wilmer would be able to resist the temptation of sharing his sexcapades with a man whose show features guests like Queen la Queefa and Gary the Retard. You’d be wrong.
With such a brash admittance, I’d say Wilmer’s mistakes are three-fold.
First, he just looks like an asshole. I mean, obviously he should have told his friends. Most of his “scores” would warrant at least a high-five from Ashton Kutcher. But to come out with it on radio doesn’t make Ashlee “loud in the sack” Simpson look bad. It makes her look enthusiastic. If he were really a stud, he’d let us all just assume and leave it at that.
Second, Wilmer has put a target on himself. If Lindsay recreates his O-face on Leno, we’ll be laughing with her and at Wilmer. He brought it on himself.
Last, in the rarest of moves, Wilmer has managed to cock-block himself. Dishing on Howard Stern is no way to get A-list girls lined up for some sweet Fez action. On his next Stern visit, he’ll have to replace Mandy Moore with Condy from Hooters.
My advice to Wilmer, and the rest of you who talk about your hook-ups, is this: Next time you want to do the dirty and tell the world, keep your mouth shut and take the Paris Hilton route. Let the tape “leak.” You’ll hold onto that shred of respect.
Medill junior Laura Moore is a PLAY pop culture columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].
