This Spring Break, rather than shaming my family on one of the Caribbean’s most debauchery-ridden islands with the rest of U.S. college kids, I’m packing up my life at Northwestern and moving to Brooklyn for an internship. My new glorified closet won’t quite compare to the Spring Break possibilities out there, so this is where I entreat you, NU, to have the break of my dreams. No, not your dreams, you selfish bastards. Mine.

You can’t have the characteristic NU-style Spring Break. Things need to be stepped up a notch – or five. I know it’s typical of us to rag on the state schools, but during spring break we must take a page from their book – be it coloring or otherwise. Leave your morals in your dorm and just go balls-to-the-wall crazy. Embarrass yourself, your friends, your mother. You can go to CAPS when you get back.

I planned to advise you all to go to MTV’s annual Spring Break bash – where not only could you do everything that you would do on a regular spring break – but it would be televised, thus upping the humiliation quotient exponentially. Sadly, I think MTV has pulled the plug on Spring Break and, in turn, made my pre-graduation pledge to be wrapped into a human burrito with a guy in a backward University of South Carolina “Cocks” hat.

No matter. I’ve got more magic up my sleeve.

First order of business, go wild! And by wild, I mean wild on camera. MTV might have pulled out of the prime Spring Break action, but you can bet Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild crew of studs will be combing the beaches and the nightclubs for classy ladies willing to take it off. And for the fellas who feel left out, they have Guys Gone Wild, too! This spring break is about taking that extra step – dropping trou.

You may think that as an NU student you’re too refined for these low-class hijinks, but that’s where your $40,000-dollar education comes into play. Why don’t you discuss the cost/benefit analysis of the Iraq war? That way everyone will take something other than eternal blackmail away from your striptease.

Nudity not your thing? Scout for celebs. Reality TV stars flock to Spring Break just like college kids. They didn’t have their 15 minutes of fame so they could not get laid by drunken co-eds. Imagine the legendary status you’ll achieve back home by making out with The Real World’s Puck or Kelly Clarkson! If all hookup attempts fail, you can almost certainly count on running into Tara Reid. She’ll probably be at Se