The Tony Evans column, “Don’t fuck with free speech, rape Nazis” could not be printed due to a pending lawsuit against its author. In its place is a reprinting of the 1855 column, “A treatise on interaction at university,” written by John Evans. John Evans was a prolific writer of the period and was one of the founders of Northwestern and of Evanston. He was also an ancestor of Tony Evans:
***
Herein I intend to address a danger to our young institution, a specter that hangs over the pristine hallways of the Fighting Methodists. Despite being the third largest university in the nation with more than 10 undergraduate students, Northwestern University is dangerously lacking in one regard: social atmosphere.
Surely, I am not the only soul tired of attending the same dull extracurricular gatherings. Last weekend it was Irish Immigrants and Factory Girls at Ridge and Noyes. The week before that it was Plantation Bro’s and Abolitionist Ho’s at Library Place. This Thursday is Pitch My Teepee night at the men’s dormitory.
Despite the apparent diversity in themes, each event ends in the same depressing manner — with a basement full of drunken young men lamenting the lugubrious condition of human existence.
As a community, we must work together to improve the quality and character of our social engagements. If I taste another flagon of watered down Indian firewater, I declare I shall be sick. As my uncle Jeremiah used to say, “Bring out the strong shit that will fuck you upside down like an arrow through the skull!”
As it stands, students and professors may as well just stay at home and musket beers until they pass out.
Furthermore, why is it that the ladies strolling down Sheridan Road dress like women of ill repute, yet act as though the delicious fruits of their nether regions are forged out of precious gold? You have to be hung like Abraham Lincoln just to score a piece of corset around here.
To all the Methodist women out there: You are not nearly as attractive as you think you are and you do not have the legs to wear those naughty hoop skirts. Get over yourselves and cut back on the cornbread and fried fish, two popular food items typically consumed during this time period.
If Northwestern is to thrive as an academic institution and community, it is our responsibility to create better social options than two-penny beer nights at the dubious local saloon, the Powder Keg.
I propose that we create a township to complement the collegiate experience. This town would be a place where beer flowed like water and handsome women with wide, childbearing hips also flowed like water.
Imagine such a town: a community that would live in harmony with our beloved university and ensure the satisfaction of our students.
I shall call this town … Evanston. Imagine what a town it would be!
Tony Evans is a Weinberg sophomore. He can be reached at [email protected].
