At a school where a relationship middle ground doesn’t exist — most go straight from hooking up to being engaged — the dos and don’ts of dating seem irrelevant.
“The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex” has a nice little collection of how-to’s for many dreaded dating scenarios, yet the book offers little for the Northwestern student because problems addressed in the “Handbook” are not approached from the perspective of a horny and awkward college student. So I’ve taken it upon myself to write an adaptation: “The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: College Sex.”
1. How to get rid of the guy/girl that doesn’t get the picture. So you’re at the Deuce and talking to this girl who just won’t shut up. You can tell she’s into you, but you’re more into the girl standing at the pool table with cleavage up to her chin and a bare stomach. How do you get to your half-naked dream girl without hurting the bore’s feelings? Many girls opt for the “actually I’m a lesbian” excuse — which is generally a bad idea. First of all, you’re not fooling anyone. If you are at the Deuce, the person you are talking to most likely knows you are straight (unless you actually aren’t) or he knows someone who knows you are straight. And you’ll wind up hurting his feelings anyway. For both guys and girls the safe approach is just to signal a friend to come and save you. Although this approach isn’t very subtle even when you try to be discreet, you can escape without being rude if your friend comes over and says he needs to talk to you. The yawner from whom you are trying to escape will get the picture and you can attend to some more attention-worthy individuals.
2. How to leave in the morning without being awkward. Pretend you have something you have to do even if you don’t. This will avoid the problem of not knowing when is the right time to go, or the super- awkward moment when you get kicked out. Act normal, don’t try to talk about the night before and what “this means.” Give him a kiss on the cheek and be on your way. Deal with the “what does this mean” question later.
3. How to deal when you realize he/she is just too drunk. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to get some ass, your potential hook-up is just too drunk. His eyes are glazed over, his speech is incomprehensible and, even though he hasn’t vomited, you wish he would just to get it over with. Do yourself a favor. Get him home and into bed. Assign one of his roommates to check in on him or let them know of the situation. If he’s not your boyfriend, he’s not your responsibility. Nonetheless, make sure he is safe and has someone to check up on him. If you decide to sleep over, understand that when he wakes up in the middle of the night to pee, he is probably still drunk. Follow him to the bathroom and make sure he’s OK. Otherwise it’s only a matter of time before he locks himself in the dorm stairwell or wanders into your roommate’s bed. And I have no rules for how to deal with that.
Medill senior and PLAY sex columnist Rachel Bertsche goes to the Deuce fully clothed. She can be reached at [email protected].