Robberies on campus, demoralizing football losses, blah blah blah. We all know the big news lately is some of the finest night-vision cinema since Operation Shock and Awe: the Paris Hilton sex video.

Flying around the Internet for several days now, the video and the commotion surrounding it confirm what we already know but couldn’t admit: Celebrity worship has spiraled so far out of control it has simply become "rich people" worship.

Of course, if your maturity level has progressed beyond that of your perverted seventh-grade cousin, you might not know what I’m talking about. This latest hubbub concerns a video souvenir of certain "extracurricular activities" Hilton and her beau engaged in, complete with cell phone interruptions and frequent camera adjustments. Truly the highest of high comedy — or so I’m told. (Note to Mom: I’d never watch anything like that.)

Now we all know Hilton is famous for … what exactly is she famous for again? Oh yeah, I remember — being born. She and her sister are the heiresses to the Hilton hotel fortune and have parlayed their unearned wealth and dangerously skinny bodies into hobnobbing with other dangerously skinny people also famous for no good reason. Hilton, in essence, is a celebrity by association.

And the craziest part of all is that we buy into it — literally. Since they stopped showing music videos once Guns n’ Roses broke up, MTV now stands for "money television," where shows like "Cribs" and "Rich Girls" make up their flagship programming.

For you few fortunate souls who have no idea what these shows are, the former takes viewers on a tour of gargantuan celebrity mansions and the latter is a reality show following the trifles and tribulations of, well, girls who are filthy rich. Fretting over which BMW to drive or where to place the 100-inch plasma screen television — reality indeed.

Admittedly, we’ve always been a celebrity culture and my handwringing is nothing new; but the clamor over the Hilton video shows that the traditional notions of celebrity are no longer necessary to pique public curiosity. As the second wave of the "Me Generation," our generation seems to automatically equate wealth with celebrity. Dopes such as Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez certainly don’t deserve all the attention we give them, but at least they do something that could conceivably merit fame. Hilton, on the other hand, hasn’t accomplished anything other than winning a biological lottery.

And that’s why we watch. She’s rich, famous and has zero responsibilities. What more could any twentysomething mired in term papers and problems sets want than to live that kind of life or, at worst, to watch what it’s like on television? We’re all guilty of it at some time or another. We want to know what they drive, where they party and, apparently, what their sex lives are like.

Here’s to hoping that Bill Gates and his wife never get tipsy and fool around with the Handycam.

Kazaa will be tied up for hours.