Sophomore year, I had a friend named Jennifer that everyone called Spike. If there was a reason for this, I never figured out what it was.
Yes, nicknames can be strange, strange things. Box-munching is another example of this. Vaginas, see, look nothing like boxes. I know — I’ve checked. And as far as snacks go, I’m sure most people would prefer to eat popcorn or pretzels.
But all that aside, cunnilingus is a complicated thing, much more complex than blow jobs. For that reason, it’s much harder to write a how-to guide for them (though I must give some of my friends props for trying). For one thing, not everyone likes receiving it. One of my friends, for instance, will not let any guy go down on her. She’d rather have sex. “It’s more natural that way,” she says. “Genital to genital — the way God intended.” (This girl is very concerned with naturalism; that’s why she is a vegetarian.)
Another problem with cunnilingus is that few people seem to be able to figure out the right way to do it. When I hear people discussing the topic, it sometimes takes a while to decipher whether they are talking about cunnilingus or a new origami practice — what with all their confusing talks of folds and creases.
Of course, this does not account for all people. One boy, bless his soul, has this to say on the subject: “Giving oral sex to a girl is an art, and something to be enjoyed, not a chore that should be done like a kid does his homework.”
Right.
But then there are the boys who fancy themselves Tom Cruise. They head down there with a mission. They have a plan, damn it! A plan. Well, plans are good when you’re taking a family trip to Disney World, but in the world of cunnilingus, they seldom work.
Good head involves good communication skills. This means paying attention to signals- like moans, twitches and sighs. It also means asking for directions if you get lost. (No wonder there are so many guys deficient in this act.)
When I discuss this topic with my guy friends, the first thing that always comes up is hair. I am convinced that this is because all guys have a complex: They know they will lose theirs someday, so they want us to get rid of ours, too, via waxing. Oh, the downfalls of the equal rights movement. Most of their sentiments involve the upkeep of our hair. Just because it’s hidden most times is no excuse not to keep it well-maintained, says one friend.
Another used this analogy to describe his feelings on pubic hair: “Just like you are expected to cut your lawn as part of being a responsible citizen, women should trim their shit for the good of mankind. I mean, what do you think of that neighbor who doesn’t cut their grass ever?” Interesting.
Other common complaints involve the vagina’s flavoring. We may look good, but apparently, we do not taste nearly as well.
“Imagine going for a long run, then sitting in a sauna for 20 minutes, then licking your armpit for 20 minutes . . . That’s what the shit tastes like,” says the same analogy-loving friend. “You have to deal with nasty liquids in your mouths for maybe 20 seconds, while we have to deal with it for 20 minutes.”
Should I start crying now or later?
Other complaints involve endurance.
OK, this is a tough one. Exercise is normally only bearable because you know exactly how much longer you have to go until you can stop. Blowjobs are tolerable because you know that as soon as the guy starts to cum, you are done. Finished.
Guys, however, don’t have that advantage. Cunnilingus involves a lot of guesswork. And admit it, some of us are not always so helpful here. It’s funny: We can spend hours analyzing nothing at all, but when it comes to cunnilingus, some of us are absolutely silent.
One last thought: We appreciate the act, we are happy, we are glad you did it. But just as guys complain about kissing after oral sex, we also don’t need to know what we taste like. As my prudent mother always used to say, “Becky, darling, some things in life are best kept to yourself.”
