Who among us really has the time to get to know people anymore? Between school, work, family and the friends we already have, when are we supposed to filter through all of the new people we come across to decide who we should bother getting to know better? That’s where stereotypes come in. They save us the trouble of those awkward getting-to-know-you phases with people we probably won’t end up liking anyway.

Unfortunately, though, stereotypes have been getting a lot of bad press lately. Since it’s no longer politically correct to judge people by the old standbys, we’re now stuck having to deal with strangers on a person-to-person level.

But not anymore, friends. I’ve found a new way to make sweeping generalizations about large groups of people, one that has not yet taken on all the negative connotations of our old favorites: bathroom graffiti. I’ve discovered you can tell a lot about people by the graffiti in the public bathrooms they frequent.

Take Tech Library, for example. The men’s bathroom on the lower level has calculus written all over the wall of one stall. Apparently, some guy got so relaxed while dropping a deuce that the answers just started coming to him. Do you want to be friends with the dude who does calc while taking a shit? Of course not. So cross the male population of Tech Library off your list of potential friends. Huge timesaver there.

What about the McCormick Tribune Center, the new journalism building? No graffiti at all — just printed signs reminding you to flush and wipe the seat off. The two possibilities here are lack of basic hygiene or desperation to get published taken to sickening new heights. Either way, all of Medill is off my list.

My theory doesn’t just apply to campus buildings, either. Countless bathroom stalls in bars all over the world are filled with variations on the declaration-of-love theme. So “L.B. loves A.M.” — what is one to take from this? That something about defecation reminded L.B. of her fondness for A.M.? Call me crazy, but striking up a conversation with someone who associates love with crapping isn’t my idea of a good time. Thus, no more talking to strangers in bars. Think of all the time you’ll save.

And what about port-a-potty graffiti? This one’s easy. Anyone who has ever chosen a port-a-potty over peeing in the bushes, much less bothered to stay in one long enough to write something, should automatically be removed from friendship consideration.

The beauty of this stereotype is that it can be applied to just about anyone. The only ones who slip through the cracks, so to speak, are people who refuse to use public bathrooms at all, like my little brother. In high school, he was so neurotic about using a “pure” toilet that he would walk over to the middle school to do his business, banking on the theory that middle school kids are too self-conscious to unload in a public facility. People like this are obviously hyperphobic weirdos, so we can scratch them of the list as well.

You may notice that using this stereotype rules out anyone who doesn’t share your bathroom habits. Don’t worry. That’s just proof that it’s working.

Because what good is a stereotype that doesn’t allow you to hate everyone who is different from you?

Kelly Roe is a McCormick senior. She can be reached at [email protected]