Why are you reading this? Nothing’s on? I find that hard to believe. Well, if that’s true, you may as well read on.

You see, much like you, dear friend, I do not enjoy reading. Especially reading for class. I do, however, enjoy TV. In fact, I love TV. I make my schedule around TV.

Somebody: “Can you hang out this Sunday at 8 p.m.?”

Me: “Better make that 9 p.m. ‘Alias’ is on at 8.”

Somebody: “Here’s your alias: 37-year-old virgin!”

So fellow Northwestern students, put down that damn book and pick up the remote! There’s a “Real TV” Marathon on, and a hillbilly is running from the law!

With the new NUTV system running, students have an opportunity that was unavailable to me when I was in the dorms. I never used to get reception in my dorm room. I had a rabbit ears antenna that never worked. So I taped a shoebox outside my fourth floor window in Willard Residential College and stuck the antennae in it. The reception was OK, but it wasn’t until I went home for Thanksgiving Break that I remembered Letterman was white and couldn’t shoot lasers out of his eyes.

I’m here to ask — no, to demand — that you bastards start using this opportunity. Watch TV! Seriously, watch a lot. And if you can’t come up with your own reasons, here are a few reasons I have:

1. TV is important for development. Lots of the “liberal” communities on the North Shore take part in something called TV Tune-Out Week. This is the worst thing kids could do. There’s a certain period in our lives where we need to watch a lot of TV. And I’m talking unhealthy amounts of TV. I always felt sorry for kids who weren’t allowed to watch TV at home. TV gives us a better understanding of the world and helps us develop an understanding of popular culture we can use to communicate with others. There is no better way to experience this pop culture than through watching TV: It is popular culture. People discuss “American Idol” around the water cooler, not pagan idols like Grandiella the God of shoes, someone you’d find in a sinful book.

2. TV is escapism. Where else can you sit down and root for some rich jackass to pick between two girls to be his wife? (I still can’t believe he didn’t pick Brooke.) Where else can you see a teen Superman battle one deranged super-villain teen after another? With TV, you get to be a pretender, while watching reruns of “The Pretender.”

3. TV is funny. Other things can be funny, like cats who can sing or old ladies who think they’re NU students. But with TV, those laughs come constantly and in different forums. You can watch Niles make a witticism on “Frasier,” then flip over to a rerun of “Martin” to laugh at Martin Lawrence and his amazing career.

Far too much of college is spent doing things that we don’t enjoy. If we can find something — anything — on TV that we can enjoy, then it’s worthwhile to make it a part of our daily routine as college students. Go ahead and work your ass off. Study hard. Get good grades. But I beg of you, take a half hour and enjoy a “Seinfeld” rerun.

If you don’t take advantage of this now, you may regret it. All right, enough reading. Go put on Dr. Phil.

Dave Wiemer is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].