At this point, it seems that a war with Iraq nearly is inevitable. George seems that a war with Iraq nearly is inevitable. George seems determined to make the same mistakes his father did. Which reminds me, do you think in Iraq they just call him George? Saddam Hussein seems to be the only world leader that is constantly referred to by his first name. I don’t get it.
But fear not, fellow Americans. I have come up with a foolproof plan to win a war with Iraq. Send: The A-Team.
According to my research, in 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime it didn’t commit. Allegedly, they promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground where they survive as soldiers of fortune. Clearly no one else can help, and I have a feeling we can find them. Just picture it all with me now:
Rumsfeld and Powell go in to a hip L.A. record store. This is where they’ve been told to go. But who’s that man with the mustache behind the counter? Why it’s none other than Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith in disguise. Will he take the case? You bet he will! Now all Rummy and Colon need to do is sit back and relax. The war is in good hands.
After getting the assignment, Hannibal begins to come up with his plan for beating Iraq. But first thing’s first. Captain H.M. “Howlin’ Mad” Murdoch, the A-Team’s pilot, is in a mental institution. Just leave that up to Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck. With his good looks and charm, he quickly swoons the hospital’s female nurses and convinces them Murdoch must leave.
Now the team is looking in order. “Shut up fool!” Who said that? It’s none other than Sergeant B.A. Baracus, ably portrayed by Mr. T. His no-nonsense bad attitude will surely help the team defeat Saddam’s army.
At this point Hannibal comes up with a plan. Fly to Iraq and give Saddam a taste of his own medicine. “I ain’t getting on no plane!” shouts B.A. But with Faceman’s quick thinking and the aid of a local convenience store, B.A. is given a glass of milk laced with drugs. He’s out cold for the trip.
Once in Iraq the plan is to set up as a rival government to show the established government not to be such a bully. With Hannibal in place as the President, a meeting with Saddam is set up. Hannibal in disguise, with Faceman as his aid, enters Saddam’s place. Following a long building sequence, Murdoch and BA storm Saddam’s palace after turning the A-Team van into a tank. The team beats up Saddam’s guards and scares him into giving the U.S. what they want.
It took the A-Team to teach Saddam and his henchmen a lesson. Finally, the small, independent oil corporations in the United States will have the freedom to do business without fear of being bullied out of the industry.
And the best part about all of this? No one will have to die. No one ever died on the A-Team. Bullets were always shot at people’s feet. And if a car tips over or crashes, we always see the passengers escape before it bursts into flames.
The way I see it, it’s either this, or become less dependent on foreign oil. Whichever is more practical.
Dave Wiemer is a Weinberg senior He can be reached at [email protected].
