People treat you differently at bowling alleys if you have your own shoes. You’re no recreational bowler. You know that 39 strips of wood extend from the start of the approach to the pins. You know that a sleeper is a pin hidden behind another in a spare. You know that Neil Diamond might as well be the only artist on the jukebox.
I may have given a few alley owners the wrong impression this week because while I do have my own pair of size-8, blue and red and white Eagle-brand shoes, I don’t know the first thing about bowling. But I like bowling alleys. So I made it my goal – no, my quest – to find the hippest intimate alleys in the area. I would go to extremes to find ones with undeniable character, extensive beer menus, working hand driers and even live pinboys. So then you and I, dear reader, could make bowling cool again.
I Live on the 2nd floor
“Are you sure this is safe?” my friend Kristin asks our friend Betsy and me as we ascend the staircase leading to Lincoln Square Lanes late Sunday evening. There’s no sign on the door, nothing to reassure us that we are walking toward a safe bowling establishment and not our deaths. But when we reach the top of the stairs, we’re greeted with a puff of cigar smoke and music by – who else? – Neil Diamond. We’re ready to bowl.
One of the few remaining second floor bowling alleys in Chicago, Lincoln Square Lanes has sat atop the Ace Hardware store at 4874 N. Lincoln Ave. for 65 years. When we arrive, only two of the 12 lanes are in use. “Work it! Own it!” the girl on lane 12 yells to her partner. A little intimidated, we buy cheap beers and practice our “Big Lebowski” moves.
Serious bowlers hang out here. Two floors of lockers line the back walls and a plaque listing league champions hangs next to a roster of teams with names like The Easy Pick Ups and The Happy Hookers. But Dan Petrenko Jr., who is working tonight, tells me that they also get a lot of bad bowlers (like me) who are just looking for an alley that’s more personal than the likes of Rock ‘N’ Bowl. “We get to know everybody who comes in here,” Dan tells me. ” If you come in again, I’ll remember you.”
If you see legs, DON’T BOWL!
After one game at Lincoln Square, my two red-headed friends and I drive to Southport Lanes and Billiards, 3325 N. Southport Ave., to try to beat our previous scores (92, 74 and 32, respectively). You have to be 21 to bowl here, but oh, is it worth it. Why? Live pinsetters. This place was built in 1922 and people, not machines, reset your pins after you roll. You can’t see them, really – just their legs.
We’re the only ones bowling tonight, so we have our pinboys’ full attention. A sign listing five rules hangs to the right of the lanes. Number five reads: “To tip Pinboys: Roll up bill, stick in fingerhole, and send down gutter.”
We grab a complimentary basket of popcorn and begin our game. The ceiling is significantly lower here, the lanes seem thinner than normal and the balls, too, are far dirtier than they should be. But who cares? They’ve got pinboys! We soon learn that our pinboys do more than just collect the pins. When I throw my first gutter ball of the evening, one of them places a pin in the gutter so I will score. When Kristin’s ball is heading straight to ensure her of a spare, he picks up the remaining pin and lets the ball roll by.
I decide to give our pinboys a tip. My score triples. It’s not really cheating – I have no control over what the pinboys do.
Bowl a line, have a drink
Another red-headed friend of mine, Eric, and I check out the scene at Skokie Lanes, 8146 Floral Ave., on Monday. On arrival, we’re quickly informed that we cannot bowl; leagues start in an hour.
Bowlers are intense in Skokie. Every night those crazy leaguers wrack up scores three times as high as my best and throw back more Budweisers than I could consume in a month. But hey – the league season ends in May.
bowling alone
Not one of my red-headed friends would bowl with me on Tuesday, but I wouldn’t give up. So I bowled – by myself – at Lucky Strike, 2747 N. Lincoln Ave. Like Southport, it has a bar and restaurant and oodles of billiards tables, but instead of being built in the 1920s, it was built six years ago in the style of a 1920s bowling alley. This place is swank. We’re talking art-deco decor with pressed-tin ceilings and antique red velvet movie chairs. Oh, and eight bowling lanes divided into two rooms of four.
Can I just tell you how embarrassing it is to bowl alone? You feel like everyone’s watching you. And at Lucky Strike, people are watching me – two toddlers, in particular, though the bartender tells me kids aren’t usually at the lanes. Most often, the bowling rooms are reserved for parties, so he tells me I should always call ahead. Or if I want, I can book my own party. Now there’s an idea.
I think I would prefer to have a party at Southport, though. Maybe the pinboys could join me. nyou
