Now, from the city that brought you bag-your-own-Burger King, City Council proudly presents: the ban-the-birdfeed ordinance. I kid you not.

Currently, the Human Services Committee of the council is pondering an ordinance that would prohibit animal and bird feeding on public property and restrict feeding on private property. Aldermen debated the ordinance’s merits for 30 minutes at Monday night’s meeting. Supporters say the ordinance, similar to one already enforced in Skokie, would eliminate health hazards caused when birdfeed attracts other feral animals and supposedly cut down on bird droppings in public places.

The ordinance would prohibit “the spreading, casting, laying, depositing or dumping of feed on any private or public property” for fear that either uneaten food or animal droppings could “accumulate and become foul, putrid, offensive in odor or an attractant to rodents, vermin or insects.”

This is a real problem. According to Ald. Arthur Newman (1st), about every two weeks someone dumps birdseed under the viaduct at the Main Street Metra station. After eating the seed, the engorged birds perch in the rafters of the viaduct, threatening passers-by below.

“It’s ridiculous when you walk under the viaduct on a sunny day and you have to open up an umbrella if you don’t want to be hit by droppings,” Newman said.

Ridiculous indeed, and it is time somebody did something about it. I support the ordinance completely. I also do not like to be crapped on. During the winter I shake my fist at the birds in the trees near Music Administration Building (from a safe distance, of course). But what troubles me is that the ordinance does not go far enough. The city needs to do more to protect us from other dangerous wildlife. What about all those raccoons running around? And don’t even get me started on the skunks.

But I understand the city can do only so much to enforce its ordinances. It’s wild out there. That is why the city needs to provide incentives for ordinary Evanston residents like myself to help manage the city’s animal control problem. The city needs to arm its citizenry with BB guns and offer $100 to every resident who shoots a raccoon and brings in its pelt to the Civic Center. This would help ease the fears of residents concerned about the dangerous diseases raccoons can carry.

But why stop there? If a deer were to wander into Evanston, it should be fair game, too. I have never seen a deer in Evanston, but a friend of mine from Lake Bluff assures me that they sometimes make appearances in her town. If a deer were to enter the city limits, the public interest demands some hero shoot it. We could mount the head on the wall of the council chambers.

But other options besides BB guns should be explored. Cars have vast potential. Just think of the possibilities of offering rewards for roadkill. Instead of feeling guilty when a squirrel thumped under the wheel, drivers could swell with pride knowing they were doing their part to keep Evanston vermin-free.

I am calling on the aldermen of the Human Services Committee to do their duty. Send this ordinance back to the city’s legal department and have them re-draft it to include BB guns and roadkill programs along with birdseed elimination.

We need to take back our streets. Until then, I advise concerned citizens to carry umbrellas.