Greetings, culture lovers!

The end of the year is in sight! Or, at least, if you squint, you can sort of see it …

But, with spring comes formals, scholarship balls and other events where wearing sweatpants is not acceptable. I know how difficult it is to navigate social situations that involve fancy shoes and the presence of the opposite sex, but, I’ve managed to break down surviving the experience into a few simple steps.

Step 1: Figure out when the event will take place

It is important to learn the date of the event as soon as possible, in order to calculate the probability of becoming sick/having a midterm/getting lost in Tech at the same time. If you have a conflict, congratulations! If you are lacking in excuses, keep reading.

Step 2: Finding a date

Perhaps you think the event is far enough in the future that you will have found a significant other by that time and … Sorry, I couldn’t hear the rest of that thought, I was too busy laughing. Where were we? Your date should be fun, charming and willing to chase after the hired photographer with you. Barring all this, your date at least needs to agree to go with you.

Step 3: Getting there

Once you have successfully convinced, coerced or blackmailed someone into accompanying you, all you need to worry about is getting there.

“But wait!” you say. “Don’t I need an outfit? Help me! I don’t know what to wear!”

Seeing as the point of this column is to debunk stereotypes, we need to move beyond obsessing over an outfit. Get dressed yourself, gentle reader. I don’t care what you look like. Now, moving on …

Remember how horrible riding the bus was in middle school? Congratulations, because you get to take another one! Maybe it will be nicer. Maybe (probably) it won’t. Try to avoid sitting next to anyone who looks like they just stepped off a roller coaster, if you catch my drift.

Step 4: Enjoying the actual event

OMGGGGGG! Let’s get a pledge fam photo! Haha these shoes are so cute but so uncomfortable — no one will notice if I take them off for a little bit. Is there food? I could use some food. Should we go to Burger King after this? Why haven’t they played “Timber” yet? Oh yeah, I hate that song too. I really do. … Wait, it’s only been a half hour?

Step 5: Tagging photos of yourself

This is perhaps the most important step. You are expected to pounce on the album immediately after it is put up on Facebook and tag only the flattering photos while commenting on your friends’ embarrassing ones.

If you want to publicize your Greek event or file a complaint or bestow a compliment (hey, it could happen), please contact me at [email protected]. Follow me at @BadBroderick because Medill told me I need to make myself a marketable brand.