Because Jason Derulo is such a huge inspiration to me, I thought this week I would discuss the erotic art that is dirty talk. While nothing beats a good old-fashioned moan, there are key words and phrases that make sex feel naughty, even if it’s a Tuesday and you’re in missionary. Arousal is about much more than just touch, so heighten the mood by incorporating some wordplay into your foreplay.

I’ll admit, when I first started having sex, I felt terrified to speak in bed lest I horribly embarrass myself by saying something “wrong.” Dirty talk felt like it should be reserved for super kinky porn star sex, and inexperienced Laken was unsure how to break down that barrier. Turns out, all it took was a little encouragement from a particularly vocal partner. He led by example and helped me participate in the dirty talk by asking questions such as “How does my c— feel?” and “Do you like it when I f— you like this?” With a little prompting, I learned how to make my voice heard in bed, and I felt empowered knowing how much my dirty talk turned him on.

Even though I’m now well acquainted with the merits of using naughty language, I still tend to be more of a Silent Sally (I just made that expression up) when I’m with someone new. Like most things sexual, dirty talk is easier and more enjoyable when you’re really comfortable with someone. The key to opening that door? Just do it. I can’t speak for everyone, but I would not be mad at all if a guy unexpectedly whispered something sultry into my ear mid-coitus. Start small — you can even just try out “oh God” or “harder” if you’re not used to being vocal.

If you’re already super vocal and have a partner that might be shy about talking dirty (like I was), try the tactic I mentioned earlier and ask some sexy questions to see if they open up. If not, don’t push it; they just may not be as vocal as you, which is totally okay! Personally, I find it sexy when things are noisy between the sheets. Once, a guy I was with came without so much as a peep, and it left me wondering if he hadn’t really enjoyed himself. Everyone is different, so silence from your partner even while you’re being loud doesn’t necessarily mean anything negative. However, the power of dirty talk is that it lets your partner know you’re feeling good, which is never overrated.

On the other hand, if you’re not feeling particularly good, dirty talk can be a tool to help you and your partner both get the job done. What I mean by that is it’s a lot sexier to moan, “Feeling your tongue on my clit makes me so wet“ than it is to say, “Please pay more attention to my clitoris, or I will literally never have an orgasm.” If instructions are “disguised” by dirty talk, your partner’s feelings won’t get hurt. It’s a sexy way to get what you want while simultaneously pleasing your partner. If you’re vocal in the moment about what you like, over time you’ll both learn more about each other’s wants and needs in bed.

Once the door had been opened, I learned firsthand that it’s a slippery (but fun) slope to more detailed dirty talk. Whether you’re giving a meticulous account of how hard/wet you are for someone, announcing that you’re about to c– or simply complimenting your partner’s ass, hearing something in bed besides moaning fosters a more intense connection between you and your partner. If you find yourself in a rut and feel like you’re saying the same things again and again, there’s no need to stretch your imagination and invent a new word for d— (like wangdoodle). Instead, consider using phrases that may not seem traditionally dirty but can nevertheless have a profound effect on your partner. For example, even something as simple as saying “I want you so much” conveys your lust in a clear, powerful way. Profanity, though definitely more naughty, is not required to voice your opinion in bed.

If dirty talk isn’t your thing, there’s nothing wrong with that. Express yourself in bed in the way that is most comfortable and sexy for you, but never be afraid to try it out if you get curious! Experiment with different kinds of dirty talk to discover what you like best. Remember: Jason Derulo will always be there for you if you need a little inspiration.

As always, stay safe and stay sexy!

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Twitter: @lakenisahorcrux