Hello, Wildcats! After last week’s rant on foreplay and faking it, I have returned and am ready as ever to answer your carnal questions.

Why don’t guys just take control anymore? The last couple of times I’ve hooked up with a guy, I’ve felt a need to be the one in charge. Sometimes I just want to be thrown on the bed! What gives?

I think it really depends on the guy and situation. There are many guys out there who are completely comfortable taking on a more dominant role during sex — in fact, it’s probably a much more accepted thing to do as a guy than it is as a girl, so more props to you. But it doesn’t matter how awesomely gender-non-conforming your past experiences have been if you haven’t enjoyed them.

Generally speaking, I’d say it may be less likely for a guy to throw you down on the bed during a random hook-up than during something that is already established or ongoing. If you’re with a guy you’ve been hooking up with for a bit, he should have more of an idea of what you like. A random guy may not want to come off as overzealous or make you uncomfortable. Lots of unexpected aggression from a guy during a random hook-up can feel like a fun surprise at best and an unsafe encounter at worst.

But at the end of the day, the only way you can be positive you’ll get what you want in bed is to communicate it to your partner in a pressure-free and unapologetic way. You should be able to share your desires with anyone you choose to sleep with. It doesn’t have to be a long, intimate therapy session about your sexual needs. A simple, “I’m into this, what about you? Awesome, let’s do it!” should suffice.

I’m curious about anal but I don’t know how to ask my boyfriend about it without seeming weird. What should I do?

Well first of all, I want to put it out there – anal sex isn’t weird. On the spectrum of “weird” things you can do in bed, anal falls far closer to the “normal” side. I mean, people engage in blood play. (Yeah, they really do. Look it up. Or… don’t. Actually maybe don’t.). Point being, you are not weird and you can’t go into a discussion about this feeling guilty.

And, yes, I do think you need a discussion. Again, this does not require an endless soul-bearing conversation. You need to let him know you’re interested in trying it out and you need to do so at a time when you’re not already being intimate. If you throw it out there while the pants are coming undone, there’s pressure to do it right then and there, whether your partner has thoroughly considered it or not. But maybe post-coital? I know a lot of couples have a bit of a debriefing post-sex. Start talking about new things you’d like to try — consider what he might like to try and let him know what you’ve been thinking. But whatever you do, don’t feel ashamed about it. You have nothing to feel bad about. Worst case scenario, he lets you know he’s not into it and you move on.

Just be sure to use lube a-plenty when you do get down to it!

Lots of safe and consensual lovin’ to all of you. As always, shoot me an email with questions, thoughts, criticisms or maybe even compliments at [email protected].