Recently a good friend of mine confronted me with this head-scratcher: “If you had the choice between being made love to or getting f–ked, which would you choose?” I was a little taken aback by the question — and it wasn’t because of her sordid choice of words. I was momentarily shocked for two reasons, the first being that there was somehow an important distinction between “f–king” and having sex that involved love. The second was that I immediately and unconsciously recognized this distinction. When she referred to “getting f–ked” she was referring to earth shaking, moan-inducing, toe-curling, headboard-breaking, capital S-E-X. “Making love,” on the other hand, referred to an entirely different experience: candle light, slow movements, emotions. No fireworks, no epiphanies and the toes remain uncurled.
But why was it that I automatically knew what the difference between the two acts was? Why do we seem to think there’s a disconnect between hot sex and loving sex? My guess is that in order to “make love” you need to be in a relationship and you need to be at the point where you’re comfortable saying “I love you” to each other. As anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship can attest, this often takes a while. And if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, sex with that one person over and over again has the potential to get repetitious and boring.
But I think it’s more than that. I think this disconnect also speaks to a larger theory about one night stands and steamy hook-ups that pervades our campus. There exists this idea that making eye contact with someone at a party, being attracted to them and going home with them will somehow add up to amazing sex. But some of my most awkward and least satisfying sexual encounters have been one night stands. We had amazing chemistry in public, but once we got into the bedroom, neither of us was able to effectively communicate what we wanted. One night stands for me have been mostly good, but very rarely have they been great.
Let me be clear, though, that I am in no way condemning one night stands. I’ve had a few, and I have zero interest in shaming anybody. What I will say is that the hottest sex I’ve had has been with people who knew me well and, whether or not we were in a relationship, loved me in some way. Regular sex with one person (or more, no judgement) allows you to reach a level of comfort in expressing your desires and intuiting theirs. And from that comfort, you can get both love and multiple orgasms. So, dear Wildcats, would you rather f–k or make love? Who says you can’t do both?
